The Greatest Athlete Of All Time

In March 2001, Hakuho Sho would fight his first few bouts before getting placed in a low division. In May 2001, he would compete in his first tournament, winning 3 bouts and losing 4, a negative record. Through to the end of 2003, he would post 14 winning records (3 x 6-1, 5 x 5-2, 6 x 4-6, 0 perfect) and 2 losing records (both 3-4, including his first that we have discussed). This is overall a good performance, but more of a performance that just shows that someone is better than those who are not great. Not necessarily an indicator of greatness, but an indicator that they might belong at a competitive rank and hold their own. After the November 2003 tournament, he was promoted to Juryo. This is the second-highest division in sumo, and the start of the salaried ranks where you actually get paid to compete. These ranks also demand 15 bouts instead of 7 per basho.

In his first basho, January 2024, he would win 9 of 15 bouts. This isn't spectacular, but as you reach the salaried ranks, competition is fierce. People just below are fighting like hell to get a salary, and people above are fighting like hell to not lose their salary. Many post losing records for their first second division (Juryo) basho as they adjust to the jump in skill, and the same often happens for their first top division (Makuuchi) basho. A winning record is a good indicator that he belonged at this level and could retain it. At higher ranks, he would be tested again, and in his next basho, he would show a considerable leap in skill, winning the second division championship with a 12-3 score. This would promote him to Makuuchi, the top division.

Where most stumble, he would succeed, posting another 12-3 record and winning a fighting spirit prize for his efforts in his first basho at this level. In 2004, another wrestler, Asashoryu, would win 5 of 6 annual tournaments, including this one. The next year, in 2005, Asashoryu would win all 6 tournaments.

Pictured: Asashoryu

While Hakuho could not win, at this time, he would prove himself a strong wrestler. Posting a few very strong double-digit scores, but mostly just favourable scores, he would work his way to the top of the rankings. In Sumo, you can get to a rank called Sekiwake by just posting positive scores. Once at Sekiwake, if you post ~33 wins over 3 basho (average 11-4 or better), you get promoted to Ozeki. He would get this with 9 wins in November 2005, 13 wins as a runner-up to the winner in January 2006, and 13 wins as a runner-up again in March 2006. While the sumo administration generally does not promote if one record is 9 wins, the other two in this Ozeki run were dominant enough to warrant promotion. The decision proved the right choice, with our wrestler winning his first Yusho (championship) with a 14-1 score in his first Ozeki performance in May 2006. Asashoryu would still win the remaining 3 Yusho in the year, leading to Asashoryu having 4 Yusho total in 2006. In the last 3 tournaments, Hakuho would have another runner-up performance on one, a mediocre but still positive performance in another, and sit out the last due to injury.

Hakuho's next decade would look like this. Yusho are in green. Runner-up tournaments are in yellow:

Pictured: Hakuho

He won 35. He was the runner-up for 16. In 2010, he won 63 fights in a row, losing only 4 times that calendar year. Of 60 total tournaments, he won or was inches away from winning for 51 of them. In 12 of his championships, he was undefeated. This is in a combat sport. This is, quite simply put, probably the most dominant performance of any athlete across any sport in history.

For the rest of Hakuho's career, he would be plagued with injury, sitting out many basho and having many partial performances. He won 5 more tournaments, which is still a record that would be considered very dominant for most. When he competed for a full basho, he would still be expected to win, but his time was running out. He would retire at the end of 2021 after posting a 15-0 Zensho-Yusho (undefeated championship) in July as a send-off, marking the end of the Hakuho era.

Hakuho holds the record for: Most Yusho (45), most Zensho-Yusho (16), most consecutive Yusho (7), most playoffs (10), most wins (1187), most top division wins (1093), most wins in a calendar year (86) (tied with himself at another 86 record), the highest win rate (84.6%), and surely more if you start inventing stats like they do in baseball. But now, Hakuho had retired. After a decade and a half of straight dominance, without Hakuho, what would things even be like?

The Shadow of Hakuho

As sumo goes, things can only happen when the sumo administration wants them to happen. Hakuho's last competing tournament ended with him 14-0 against Terunofuji, also 14-0, who had won the previous two tournaments. Hakuho won, going 15-0, and Terunofuji got promoted to Yokozuna, ensuring that the top spot was not vacant. Teru was, despite having both his knees obliterated twice, an incredibly dominant Yokozuna, his chart here:

Pictured: Terunofuji

Terunofuji, or Big Teru, or simply just Teru, was a force of nature. He was so immensely strong and stable that there was a meme of “Teru wins lol”. You could charge hard, you could get low, you could get a double inside grip, you could get beside him, you could keep him off your belt, and at the end of the day, Teru wins lol. Why did you even bother with all that? There was only one problem, which may be apparent looking at this. His body was not in a great state. He had made it to Ozeki before this, but his knees imploded, his diabetes acted up, and he got kidney stones, so he took some time to heal and got demoted to the bottom of the rankings before returning and pulling all of this off. He would continue to get injured, to the point that when he retired, I wasn't even sure his knees ever existed in the first place.

Big Teru, having an imminent retirement for a couple of years, demanded the question of who would be next. There were some other promising wrestlers bubbling in the rankings:

In 2022, Mitakeumi was gaining some real momentum and, after hanging around the upper ranks for a while, had a very strong run, resulting in a championship and making Ozeki. In his first tournament at Ozeki, he would injure his shoulder and not take the time to get surgery for it to actually recover. Losing a central tenet of his power, he has remained a shell of his former self, in the bottom ranks of the top division.

Pictured: Mitakeumi

Kirishima, with incredible speed, power, and tactical ability, would also make Ozeki. He would win a Yusho as Ozeki, but last only one year, with injury preventing him from being able to apply the entire range of his sumo. Kirishima still shows incredible potential, but remains inconsistent as he makes the necessary adaptations to his style with some nagging injuries. At 29 with still incredible skill, it is not unlikely that with some more consistency, he may be able to regain Ozeki status.

Pictured: Kirishima

Hoshoryu, the nephew of the previously mentioned Asashoryu, was also climbing the ranks, making the top division in September 2020. Not a clear superstar out of the gate, but incredibly tricky and remarkably consistent, he slowly started gaining steam, rising in the ranks, and getting more wins. Hoshoryu is an incredible tactician, but loves risky plays. This has made him inconsistent, which he countered by doing almost strict belt battles for a while until he was one of the strongest. Making the top ranks in January 2022 and posting 10 winning records in a row, Hoshoryu would start posting fairly consistent double-digit wins and make Ozeki in September 2023. Hoshoryu was great, but his inconsistency made it clear that he was not picking up the torch of sheer dominance that we were used to. We will return to Hoshoryu later.

Pictured: Hoshoryu. Note: Hoshoryu often looks very angry while fighting because he has trouble seeing without his glasses

Kotonowaka (now Kotozakura) would make the top division mid-2020 and stay there starting 2021. Similar to Hoshoryu, he would slowly but consistently work his way up the rankings, slowly but steadily making improvements until he would make Ozeki in March 2024 after two jun-yusho. As he made Ozeki, he would change his name to Kotozakura, his grandfather's name. Kotozakura would have a pretty monstrous 2024, posting double-digit wins in 5 of 6 basho, and beating Hoshoryu to win 14-1 in November in a tournament where they were both dominating the rest of the field. Unfortunately, he would sustain an injury and, in 2025, he posted a 5-10 score, 9-5-1 score (1 absence due to injury), and the remainder would be 8-7. Not bad, but not nearly the dominance that could have been. He remains Ozeki and hopefully is able to return to dominant form.

Pictured: Kotozakura

In March 2024, the tournament in which Kotozakura made Ozeki with a jun-yusho, another rikishi exploded onto the scene. In his first top division tournament, he would win the Yusho with a 13-2 score, becoming the first wrestler in 110 years. In his 14th fight against Asanoyama, he would injure his ankle, forcing him to leave in a wheelchair. He would still win his 15th fight, but sitting out would cause him to get demoted in the following tournaments. He has since returned to the top division and shows flashes of brilliance when uninjured, but he has shown some persistent injuries, making it a big ask.

Pictured: Takerufuji

A New Era Emerges?

After making Ozeki and getting 9 winning records in a row, Hoshoryu would make it, getting a jun-yusho (1 short of winning) score of 13-2, followed by a 12-3 yusho. The 13-2 was considered equivalent to a yusho, and he was promoted to Yokozuna. While Hoshoryu has still struggled with some mild inconsistencies, he has continued to improve and is now an incredibly consistent title challenger, almost always in the title picture. Every year, he seems to just get better, and continuing to do so year over year now has him as a significant threat to all opponents. I believe he is the only rikishi with a winning record over the next rikishi we will discuss, Onosato.

Pictured: Hoshoryu

2024 would also see a giant in Onosato make the top division. Onosato has been incredibly dominant, with most bouts looking like he simply needs to escort his opponents out of the ring. He is an absolute monster at 6'4 410 lbs, but also incredibly fast on his feet. Onosato is easily the most dominant right now. Where other people are competing to get a yusho, Onosato is competing for a zensho-yusho. He is brand new, but just agility mixed with monstrous physical prowess means it's hard to find a real counter to his style. People were looking for Onosato to show Hakuho-like dominance, and while he has been incredible, watching how good Onosato is, then looking at Hakuho's record shows just how insane Hakuho was. Onosato is yet to post a losing record, and having made Yokozuna, it is not unlikely that he never will.

Pictured: Onosato

Last but not least, Aonishiki, one of two Ukrainian wrestlers, has just hit the scene. Something remarkable about Aonishiki is that he has so far almost exclusively posted the same score. When he was fighting 7 bouts, he would get 6-1. When fighting 15 days, he would get 11-4, no matter what level his opponents were. He has an amazing style of staying low, getting in close, and being incredibly stable on his feet. Once he is in below someone's stance, it is incredibly hard to fight back, and also hard to try to push him down because of his quick pivots and throws. In his last tournament, he managed to win a playoff against Hoshoryu, whom he has never lost against, and will begin his next tournament as our newest Ozeki. Having a little shrine to his success would be a cool addition to any Ukrainian restaurant in the city.

Pictured: Aonishiki

So we have some strong challengers, but also three competitors distinguishing themselves in the current moment. To further this, Hoshoryu keeps beating Onosato, Onosato keeps beating Aonishiki, and Aonishiki keeps beating Hoshoryu. While none of them have shown the absolute domination that was Hakuho, I think having a few people competing at such a high level makes it all the more exciting. It might just be the most exciting time in sumo in years.

The Next tournament is from January 11 to January 25. With daily updates (one day delayed once the tournament starts) HERE

I originally had a different idea for this article, but it turns out that the idea was a bit too ambitious for me to do in the given timeframe so I've pivoted to this :).

I have been writing, I promise! Just not for the article.

CAIN and Tom Bloom- what I've been doing every Saturday

Every Saturday, I run a TTRPG game called CAIN. It's extraordinarily fun and is written by the same guy who draws the art for LANCER. He's also the artist for the webcomic Kill 6 billion demons. The art is fantastic, it's so incredibly detailed and gorey in the best possible way. However, (and I say this in the kindest way possible) I think a lot of the tension that is built up in the webcomic is ruined by this... almost compulsive need to shove in “adult show comedy”. There's a lot of swearing to be funny, a lot of punchlines that land flat that echo “Marvel humor” in that way of “haha isn't that so weird to say at this serious moment?”. I wish I could recommend this webcomic because the idea and art is so interesting but I can't.

But CAIN is different. The entire rulebook takes itself seriously. And yes, it's edgy and takes itself seriously the entire way through, but that's what I think makes it cool! When I'm running a dark, edgy game, I'm not going to pull back and say “wow that was so cringe! Let me make a joke of how serious I'm taking this whole setting so I can claw back my credibility after being genuine!”. Sometimes, things can just be genuine!

CAIN is about exorcists working under a supernatural organization (named the eponymous CAIN) who work to kill SINS, manifestations of human trauma made monstrous. Exorcists have powers called Blasphemies. CAIN is a shadowy organization and has the entire world government in their pocket. It works off a 6 sided dice system, with theater of the mind combat.

If this sounds like the game for you, here's the link to the rulebook:

https://tombloom.itch.io/cain

There's a lot of interesting ideas and threads you can work off of, but enough established themes where it's easy for all the players to be on the same page.

And it's not supposed to be for long term campaigns.

The long term campaign

This is the story I've been working on for the past year. It's been tough coming up with a throughline that connects all the character's backstories, but I've managed it.

The Group

Good Intentions is an Ardence blasphemy (explosions and fire) exorcist who is now the handler for the group and is following the Virtue Justice. (Virtues are part of a supplemental pack – basically you get extra benefits for following specific rules, but get punished when you break them). Was part of a cult sacrifice before awakening his blasphemy and exploding the entire cult.

Silac is a Flux blasphemy exorcist (time control) who was captured by CAIN. British (this campaign takes place in the US). Killed her lover before being captured.

Shadow is a Whisper blasphemy exorcist (scary ghost follows you around) who was switched with the original soul of her body at ten years old. The original person was named Abigail, who now acts as the Whisper.

The story so far

The group has fought a bunch of SINs and have gotten closer as a group as a result. Carter, their handler, was murdered by Isaiah, a previous teammate of Carter and a high ranking official in the rival organization Iscariot (thanks Nick).

Carter became a SIN when she died, and is now held by Iscariot.

They're REALLY attached to their handler, so they're working with Iscariot to betray CAIN and bring back information for the organization. They're also betraying CAIN because they discovered that CAIN is prolonging the war on SINs rather than trying to end it.

The group has already met Isaiah, who was affected by the memory wipe in some way and wants to infiltrate CAIN by creating a massive SIN event on Christmas to distract all the exorcists away from the facility. The group managed to convince Isaiah to allow them to infiltrate the facility and not create a massive SIN event, since they were already part of CAIN and it would be easy for them to complete the heist.

(The whole “memory wipe / a missing puzzle which is framed by what I do know” is heavily inspired by There is no antimemetic division. I thought it was pretty interesting and had cool ideas.)

NPC story

The group is also trying to find a way to restore their old Handler, Carter, back to being human after becoming a SIN. Carter was murdered by Isiah, who's a high ranking rogue binder in a different organization called Iscariot whose goal is to destroy CAIN. Isaiah, Carter, and Morgiana were all exorcists who were on a team in CAIN before Morgiana was killed. Carter continued in CAIN and became a handler for Good, Silac, and Shadow, while Isaiah took Morgiana, who became a hound SIN, away from CAIN and joined Iscariot. I haven't decided whether the 3 of them were in a toxic relationship or not...

The group also had met Carter as a SIN as part of their deal with Isaiah to cooperate with Iscariot. The last message she gave them was to forget about her. Morgiana was killed at the time of the memory wipe done by Hope due to a psychic backlash as a result of her high level bond with TEMPERANCE.

Before Carter had died, her final message to them was: Leave or find out Project Temerity Stigmata Room 11668 Hide from Faith Dig into Morgiana Take Care

This was a scrambled message, they figured it out :). They were also able to connect with Carter as a SIN where they were able to talk to her normally, and she asked them to forget about her and run away.

The situation

They're breaking into their old facility that's located in Oregon. Hope is a Virtue that does mass memory wipes from a space station, and is away only on Christmas Eve.

The memory that was wiped is that Temperance (the missing Virtue) and Truth (something stronger, more priomordial than a Virtue that is behind the increase of SIN events) are both in an eternal, secret battle. It was wiped out ten years ago by a previous generation of Hope, due to ?someone? discovering something they weren't supposed to (I'll figure this out later). TRUTH is a priomordial thing where grace is stored and emanated from, allowing for the creation of exorcists and SINs. The way that CAIN has bound it is that: 1) TRUTH must remain bound, or it will be released upon the world 2) If everyone forgets that TRUTH exists, the binding fails because it's based off maintaining a knowledge equilibrium (still workshopping this one) 3) But if everyone knows TRUTH exists, TRUTH becomes powerful enough to break free

The group has already gotten to the research laboratory level. The head reasearcher Marcus Webb has allowed them to drop off cargo, while two of their allies who are NPCs (Barry and Ruby) both have an access key that gives access to the upper levels and are waiting for them.

Next session

I have a session in TWO weeks so it gives me a lot of time to plan... problem is there's a lot of threads to piece together and make into something that might kill a player.

There's two levels left for them to go through: a level called the HOLD, which is a prison system for more dangerous SINs and other things that need to be kept under lock and key. The other level is the Archive, where the information is being held.

Conclusion

Uauauaua helpppp

The year is 2025. It’s been five years since the COVID-19 lockdowns began, and our lives changed fundamentally. No longer could students and workers simply “go into the office” and continue on with life as normal. Suddenly, it was dangerous to leave your house. Everyone wondered: “will I get sick?” or even worse, “will I get my loved ones sick?” To deal with the predicament, governments and companies alike quickly pivoted to remote work. For the first time, office workers no longer had to physically go into the office. Instead, they could just log in from home and still get all of their work done. But it’s been five years since COVID, and many are wondering why anyone is still working from home. The push for Return to Office (RTO) grows increasingly stronger every year, and people are mad about it. .

You might be asking, “Elisa, why do you even care about this? Your job can’t be done remotely.” You would be right: the vast majority of public library work requires workers to be physically at the branch. I have to sit at the circulation desk and answer questions; I have to assemble craft supplies to test my programs; I have to collect books off of the shelves; I have to sit beside a senior to troubleshoot their computer question. Unless I become some form of manager (which wouldn’t happen for at least a decade), I will never have a remote or hybrid position as long as I stay on this career path. And yet, I am still very passionate about how utterly stupid the RTO mandates are.

Let’s rewind to the year 2022. In Winter 2022, I was completing the first year of my library science master’s degree in Toronto, and desperately hunting for a placement in my field that would employ me over the long university summer. My quest for money and experience was complicated by the fact that my then-boyfriend, now-fiancé, Bennet lived in Kingston, where he was completing his own masters. I scoured the internet, but there were no positions to be had anywhere in the Thousand Islands region. So, it fell to me to make a choice: should I put my career development first, and take a job in a major city, and continue to suffer the misery of a long distance relationship? Or should I choose love and happiness, spend the summer with Bennet in Kingston, and hope to find a retail job that would likely not give me any relevant experience to put on my resume? But then, the answer to all of my problems appeared on a beam of pixelated light, as if sent down from God herself: a remote job. It was the perfect solution; I could gain experience in a new aspect of librarianship based in Ottawa, while still living in Kingston and having a gloriously happy summer with Bennet. So, I took the position, and it was so worth it. Summer 2022 was an excellent one, filled with drive-in theaters, mini-golf, double rainbows, and adventures in upstate New York; none of which I would have experienced by myself in Toronto.

And at the end of Summer 2022, I had a similar yet opposite choice to make. Should I go back to full time classes in Toronto (which I was super disillusioned with) and deal with the one-two punch of seasonal depression and a return to long-distance, or should I take a different work placement in Kingston, where I could continue to learn new professional skills and also generally enjoy life. Due to the perks of remote schooling, I was able to work in-person in Kingston and do a remote class based in Toronto so that I could still graduate on time. Fall 2022 was also one of my happiest ever, featuring corn mazes, fall fairs, bar trivia, and my first Hoco. I will be forever grateful to the time and opportunities that these two remote options (work and school) provided for me, and I think everyone should have that chance.

Now that you know why I am fighting this battle, let's zoom out a bit and clarify what exactly I mean by remote work. In my mind, jobs that are largely computer based that involve minimal physical work or face to face interaction are well suited for remote work or hybrid positions. Obviously not all jobs meet that criteria, but many do meet them at least partially, and their workers could thrive with various levels of remote or hybrid working. To add, I also believe that a remote job should not be constrained to a strict 9-5. If you want to shift your working hours to 10-6 or 8-4, or split your shift so that you can take a longer lunch, or catch up on work on the weekends, I think that remote work should give you that chance. As long as you can attend any meetings and get your work done, I think that employees should be free to choose the hours that they keep.

And now, with all of that exposition out of the way, we can finally get into the many, many benefits of remote working.

Geography

If you have a remote job, then you aren’t physically tied down to your office location. This means that jobs can be distributed out of major cities and provide opportunities for residents of small towns. This is about more than just people who moved rurally during COVID, although this would benefit them too. I’m primarily bringing up this point because it would allow people to stay in their own communities without having to move out. So if the major employer of SmallTown, Ontario goes bust, there are options for people to get jobs without moving away. As an aside: I know that these opportunities are not one-to-one. Obviously someone who has worked a very physical job of manual labour will not be able to seamlessly adapt to a high-tech fully remote computer job, but I think the principle still stands.

Being able to work from anywhere also means that you can work while travelling, whether for pleasure, obligation, or emergency. This is good for employers because it means that their employees are more likely to keep working while out of town, which increases productivity. It’s also good for employees because it gives them much more flexibility to keep working without having to take vacation or sick days. Obviously I’m not advocating for employees to never take vacation days; quite the opposite. Remote work should empower employees to work from anywhere they want to, and still take all of their vacation days. Consider an employee that only has 10 days of vacation per year who wants to take a two week trip. They could take two days of vacation for travelling to and from their destination, and take three full vacation days at their destination, and then work remotely for the remaining five weekdays while at their destination. In this scenario, they are still able to save five vacation days to use another time during the year. Sounds amazing to me. On a personal note, during my summer of 2022 remote job, I had a family emergency back in Toronto. Since my job was remote, I was able to travel to Toronto and be with my family without missing work (and therefore without missing pay). It was a relief for me to not have to worry about taking time off when I didn’t have any vacation days, or not having to choose between paying rent and seeing family.

Even more, the ability to work when travelling doesn’t just have to be about jet-setting to Europe or Asia. Remote working means that you can work from your house, but also your favourite cafe, your friend’s house, your cottage. If you have a stable wifi connection and a power source, the opportunities are endless. My personal favourite place to work remotely that summer was on the front porch of my rental house, where I could sit in the sun and be surrounded by trees and fresh air. It really made working a lot more enjoyable for me.

Traffic & Commuting

When you don’t have to physically go into the office, you no longer have to commute. It’s a simple statement but it makes such a big difference. I have multiple friends who technically live and work in the GTA, but one lives in Markham and works in Mississauga, and two live in Burlington and work in Toronto. For all of them, it takes at least an hour each way to commute into work. Being able to live close to your work is a privilege that not everyone has access to. Often, people are forced to choose between a long commute and a precarious or unaffordable living situation, especially with the current housing crisis. If you work remotely, your commute becomes the 10 second walk from your bed to your desk. And that means that you get those two hours back! You can do whatever you want with them: get on top of your daily chores, get some exercise, do a hobby, spend time with loved ones. The world is your oyster because you have that extra time back in your day.

Less commuting also means that there will be less traffic. Obviously there will still be some traffic for the people who work jobs that cannot be done remotely, and travel that is not work-related. But traffic overall, especially the dreaded rush hour, will be significantly reduced. This has a lot of excellent downstream effects. Less cars on the road means that there will be less reliance on cars, and makes more space for a non-car centric way of existing. If your primary use for your car was commuting to and from work, then remote work could give you the freedom to get rid of your car. This is probably most realistic for larger households, who may be able to downsize from three cars to two cars, or from two cars to one car. This obviously reduces the costs associated with owning a car (maintenance, insurance, gas, etc etc), and likely would be a net positive for households overall.

Fewer cars on the road will also be better for the environment in multiple ways. Obviously it would reduce air pollution, which was memorably noticed during the first few months of COVID, when major cities worldwide began announcing that their smog had visibly reduced during the height of restrictions. However, vehicle emissions are not the only factor that we should be considering. Rubber particulates that are released from car tires as they wear and tear are a huge source of microplastic pollution, reportedly accounting for more than 25% of global microplastics in the environment. The auto industry itself creates so much waste and is also energy and resource intensive. Although remote work cannot by itself solve any of these problems, the chance to reduce the amount of cars on the road, or even reduce the overall amount of cars in use is absolutely one that we should be pursuing. It’s also worth noting that the reduction of cars on the road would help reduce the amount of car accident-related injuries and deaths, for both drivers and pedestrians.

Pivoting away from cars, widespread remote work also has the power to change how public transit infrastructure is planned. Many major cities, including my hometown of Toronto, have their transit prioritized to shuttle office workers to and from the downtown core. This is great if you actually need to go downtown, but makes it a lot more inconvenient to use transit to get across town, say from North York to East York. If there were fewer workers commuting downtown for the traditional 9-5 workday, it would free up transit resources. Instead of being forced to focus on adding capacity to the existing downtown pipelines, they could create brand new routes that spread access more equitably around the whole city.

Illness

Remote working is generally a much more supportive environment for people with illnesses. Let’s start with acute illnesses: a strong work from home policy means that people no longer have to come into the office when they are sick. No one likes it when their coworkers come into work with a cold; it’s easy to spread germs and become the office patient zero. And yet many people struggle with the idea of taking time off for minor illnesses. I personally struggle with this even though I have a healthy sick day allowance, because I don’t feel like a common cold warrants me taking off 5-7 days of work. If I was able to work from home, it would be a non-issue: I could still work as much as I saw fit without majorly stressing out about accidentally infecting my coworkers. Remote work also benefits people with acute injuries. Say you broke your ankle and had difficulty getting to and maneuvering through the office with your cast and crutches. If you were able to work from home, you would not be forced to put unnecessary strain on your body.

Remote working is also great for people with chronic illnesses. They can save a lot of spoons by not having to commute to the office, and well as not having to do other miscellaneous tasks like packing a lunch or putting on makeup that are often necessary for in person work. A flexible remote work setup also makes it a lot easier for people to take the time needed to go to doctor’s appointments. If you have to be in the office 9-5 but you have an appointment, it often requires taking at least a half-day off in order to attend it. Whereas a flexible remote set-up could let you take a few hours in the middle of the day to visit the doctor, and make up the missing hours in the evening. Even without having an appointment, the flexibility provided by remote work would allow people with chronic illnesses to work at their own pace and take breaks as needed. A potentially underrated point in favour of remote work means that people with chronic illnesses wouldn’t have to interact with the physical environment of the office. One of my coworkers is allergic to dust, mold, and perfume, all of which are abundant at my workplace. Other things at a workplace to consider are stairs or other physical accessibility barriers (both at the office and on the way to it), non ergonomic work stations, poor ventilation, and bad HVAC settings (being too hot and too cold). In all fairness, this is based on the assumption that someone’s home is better suited to them than their office, which is likely but not guaranteed. However, I do feel like people often have more control over their living spaces than their offices, which is a major point in the favour of remote work.

Freedom to Be Home

Extending from the previous section, a lot of people consider their home to be their happy place. A place where they enjoy being, and something they have set up and arranged to their specific liking and needs. I don’t think it would be a huge exaggeration to say that most people would prefer to spend more time in their homes, instead of in the office. Homes typically have a lot more amenities than an office, such as a private bathroom, a full kitchen, and access to all of your clothes and possessions. The amount of times that I’ve forgotten something for work at home, or something for home at work is more than you would think, and I know at least that I would appreciate it if I didn’t have to lug a giant tote bag full of all of my things between the two places. Having access to your own kitchen during the work day means that people are more able eat home cooked food instead of having to spend money on unhealthy take out. Having access to your own space means that it’s much easier for you to sneak in a quick workout and shower in the middle of the day instead of having to get it at an unholy time before or after work. The standards at home are a lot more relaxed, so you can work in your own personal uniform of comfortable clothes instead of a stifling office ensemble.

Besides the comforts and luxuries of home, there are also more important reasons one might want to stay home. A big one is pets: many animals benefit from having their human around all day to interact with, instead of being cooped up all alone. If they need to be fed, walked, given medication, or just snuggled with, their human is available to meet all those needs while working from home. Being at home is also convenient if you need to receive any packages (increasingly common while the hysteria of online shopping has a firm grip on our society) or have any repairs done. The last time I had to receive a furniture delivery from Ikea, I had to specifically schedule it on a weekday that I didn’t work in order to get the pieces delivered up into my unit, and also not be charged exorbitantly for a nighttime or weekend delivery. I’m overall very lucky that my in-person job has some flexibility of hours, but it would have been even easier if I was a remote worker.

On a more serious note, being at home allows workers, primarily women, to perform more caregiving duties while still participating in the workforce. Women often bear the brunt of caregiving responsibilities in their households, which means that if the family can’t afford daycare then it’s the woman who most often stays home with the children. This means that women are participating in the workforce to a lesser extent, so they are sacrificing career growth and future earning potential. Some women ideally would like to be stay-at-home moms, and I fully support them. However, I worry for the women who, for whatever reason, want to be working mothers but are unable to work while caring for their children. Being able to work means that you have access to your own income, your own relationships, your own goals, and your own achievements. Women who don’t work and don’t have their own incomes are more easily exploited by abusive partners. So, having a remote position with flexible hours allows women to be at work while actually being at home keeping an eye on their children. It should also be a good reminder for any men who have remote jobs that they too could become the primary caregivers for their children. I clarify that I’m not implying that it’s easy to work full time while caring for your children, but it is at least possible to do so, compared to how impossible it is when you have to be in the office 9-5 every day. It also allows you to perform less intensive acts of caregiving, like picking your kids up from school, or taking your older relatives to appointments, without having to constantly sacrifice work and career. As someone who may have to care for children, and very likely will have to care for parents, this point feels more significant to me, and it’s a non-insignificant factor in my overall thoughts about having kids of my own someday.

I Agree, Remote Work Is Better!

Thanks for agreeing with me! I know I’ve been very eloquent and convincing. :) But to be fair, we should also examine some of the downsides of remote work.

Space and Equipment

I worry that companies may use remote work as an excuse to not adequately equip their workers. In the office, you are ideally provided with a computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse, a desk and a chair, and other more specialized equipment that is required for your role. When working at home, you definitely have to provide your own desk and chair, and potentially even your own tech. It unfairly puts the burden onto the worker, when this is something that the company has and should still be responsible for. In the same way, I have to recognize that not everyone has an adequate space to work from home. Traditionally, it’s the responsibility of the company to provide the office space, but in remote work that goes back on the worker. During COVID a lot of people talked about how they were stuck in their homes with absolutely nowhere to go, and while that’s more of an indictment on the lack of third spaces in our current society, it should be recognized that the office is a space that you get to go to, and might even enjoy going to.

Social Isolation

If you’ve watched any workplace comedy show then you might think that your coworkers will become your best friends, and maybe even your lovers. Television is obviously not the same as reality, but it is true that you often spend more time with your coworkers than anyone else, and that a certain bond definitely forms. I know that if I wasn’t part of this wonderful thing called Code Monkey Cafe then I would have a lot less friends, and would definitely turn more to my coworkers to fill that resulting gap in my life. As much as we love to hate them, our coworkers are indeed a major part of socialization or many workers. In a fully remote position, it becomes much harder (but not impossible) to make social connections when you are always separated by a screen. There is no longer any chatter when you first get into the office, no shared lunch breaks or coffee runs, and no holiday parties. The camera-off culture during video calls also contributes to this lack of social interaction. It’s such a relief to have your own camera off, but it’s so demoralizing to stare into a void of black boxes with no one looking back at you. At my own workplace, we have department-wide meetings once a month; part of the reason why they are such a waste of time is because we don’t actually get to interact with other members of our department. These remote meetings don’t really give us any opportunity to meaningfully connect or build solidarity with one another, and I wish that they were at least occasionally in-person.

Lack of Downtown Customers

An argument against remote work that seems to constantly be brought up is that if there are no downtown workers, the businesses that cater to downtown workers will go out of business. “Oh won’t someone think of the poor workers!” they cry, “the poor dry-cleaners, shoe-shiners, dentists, and lunch-counter workers! Will no one think of them??” Well, I am thinking of them, and I am not too distraught about it. First of all, there will still be downtown workers, because not everyone’s job can be done remotely. Second of all, why should we prioritize these downtown businesses over similar ones that are located in people’s home neighbourhoods? They too have dry-cleaners, shoe-shiners, dentists, and fast casual lunch spots. Ideally neither one of these groups would suffer, but it’s impossible to make a cake without breaking a few eggs. Frankly, I think a widespread shift to remote work would be an excellent opportunity to make more mixed-use neighbourhoods, and redistribute resources around the city instead of only focusing them in certain high-value areas (like the downtown core). This also ties into one of the major reasons that companies are forcing their workers back to being in-person: their office buildings are languishing empty. Corporations have egg on their faces for wasting all this money on a large workspace, and they’re forcing people back to the office just so that they don’t look embarrassing to shareholders. This too could be a great reason to consider redeveloping downtown areas to become more mixed use, but no one wants to foot the bill for the renovations. Tragically, most office buildings can not simply be converted into apartment units with a wave of a magic wand, no matter how much I might want that to be true. But there has to be a happy medium between empty offices and forcing people back to in-person work just to save face.

What does this all mean?

Hopefully you still believe in the many benefits of widespread remote work. All of these advantages that I’ve talked about so far are worthwhile and worth keeping. I’m a firm believer in a healthy work-life balance; whenever possible, people should be working to live, instead of living to work. The flexibility and opportunities granted by remote work can help make the need to work more tolerable and manageable, as well as more affordable.

The return to office mandates that have recently become popular destroy all of the things. Return to office means a return to commuting, pollution, traffic, illness, being uncomfortable, barriers to working, and much more. It should also be noted that the return to office mandates aren’t even being done well. There are hundreds of stories about offices that are not large or private enough to accommodate workers and their tasks, people schlepping themselves to the office just to be on remote calls all day, overcrowded and underfunded amenities and services. But most of all, people are less happy and less productive. Remote work wasn’t perfect, but it granted a lot of possibilities that we could have only dreamed of pre-COVID shutdowns, and it shouldn’t be arbitrarily taken away based on the whims of CEOs and politicians.

And that, my friends, is why I think Return to Office is stupid.

Introduction

What does the word “football” mean to you? As I'm sure you're aware, this is a controversial question. To the majority of native-born English speakers, “football” refers to the gridiron variety originating in Canada and most popular now in the United States. However, “native-born” is doing much work here, as the majority of the native Anglophone population – 260 million out of 400 million globally – are born in the United States and Canada, skewing the statistics significantly. When restricted to the regional rather than global level, native born English speakers referring to football are actually referring to the most traditionally popular variant of ball-sports-played-on-foot in that region. Indeed, if you were to travel to every former British colony where English remains the dominant language, you would hear the lone word “football” used to refer to Soccer, American Football, Canadian Football, Rugby Union, Rugby League, Australian Football, and Gaelic Football without qualifier. But why? Why are these sports all called football? Which sport was called “football” first? Who owns the term “football?” Should we even call Gridiron and Rugby football “football” when the “balls” in question are lemon and egg shaped respectively and both games have very little kicking?¹ Why does the Wikipedia article for each of these sports reference something called “Medieval Football?” What even is that? Answering these questions was one of two things motivating this article. The other was Blood Bowl, a board game set in a medieval fantasy world with Orcs, Elves, and other such creatures. Instead of fighting on battlefields, these fantasy creatures resolve their differences in a violent sports competition nominally inspired by American Football.² Playing Blood Bowl made me curious: what were the antecedents of modern football games actually like? Is the lore of Blood Bowl, in fact, real life?

Episkyros and Harpastum

It may (or may not) surprise you, but all the games that Anglophones call football allegedly share one common ancestor. In Sparta starting from at the latest 800 BC, a game possibly meant to train young boys to operate as a unit (as claimed by later sources) was developed. The game was called επίσκυρος (episkyros or episkuros), meaning “upon the stone debris” or ocassionally eπίκοινος (epikoinos), meaning “upon or in the common”.³ The game was played on a rectangular field of unknown size, with 3 lines crossing the field horizontally, one at each end and one through the centre. The centre line was referred to as the eponymous “skyros,” specifically because it was typically marked with chips of limestone. The two teams started an unknown distance off the line, and a ball of unknown construction (probably a stuffed animal bladder) was placed on the line by a neutral party. The two teams would then either fight for the ball or determine who starts with the ball in some other fashion (sources vary). The goal of each team was to throw the ball over the heads of the other team and past the line at the other team's end of the field, at which point the game would end immediately.

How exactly the game worked beyond the very beginning and end is not clear.⁵ As will become a consistent pattern throughout most of western history, Greek intellectuals were seemingly too embarrassed by the existence of team sports (as opposed to the individualistic achievements celebrated in the Olympics) to write meticulous accounts of the game. Nonetheless, the game spread out of Sparta and was so popular that at one point a Macedonian Episkyros player was allegedly granted honorary citizenship of Athens in celebration of his talents. As Athenaeus recounts in Deipnosophistai: “The Athenians made Aristonicus the Carystian, Alexander's ball-player, a citizen of their city on account of his skill, and they erected a statue to him.” Now obviously the Athenians had an ulterior motive: sucking up to Alexander the Great, but it is worth noting that Episkyros was a popular enough sport that the ruling class of Athens used prowess in it as a pretext for extending favour.

The Romans, in their typical fashion, allegedly⁴ copied the Greek Episkyros and adapted it to fit their own sensibilities. In the 2nd century BC, following the Roman Republic's ultimate subjugation of Greece, the story goes, the victorious Roman soldiers brought Episkyros home with them. Unlike the Greeks, who were ashamed of the game's popularity with the lower classes, the writers of Roman records found Harpastum worth describing and on occasion, even encouraged their readers to give the sport a chance. The physician and author of medical texts Claudius Galenus (Galen) recommended Harpastum, stating: “[Harpastum is] greater than wrestling or running because it exercises every part of the body, takes up little time, and costs nothing [...] it is a profitable training in strategy.” and “When, for example, people face each other, vigorously attempting to prevent each other from taking the space between, this exercise is a very heavy, vigorous one, involving much use of the hold by the neck, and many wrestling holds.”

It is thanks to this unashamed embrace of Harpastum as a harmless hobby that we know so much about it. Based on my review of descriptions of the game by Pollux, Apollinaris, Galen, Antiphones, Sidonious, as well as a reading of Marindin's 1890 collection of notes on Harpastum, I was able to reconstruct the most common rules.⁶ Harpastum was played on a rectangular field, probably between 80 and 120 metres long and 40 to 60 metres wide. As with Episkyros, three important lines were marked: end zone lines at the far ends of the field, and a centre line at the exact midpoint of the field. The objective of the game was to throw the ball on to the ground within the width of the field but past the line indicating the other team's end zone. The two teams could advance the ball and stop the ball's advance however they liked, almost always in hand a la Rugby as opposed to kicking the ball along a la Soccer. Unlike in Episkyros, where a team scoring immediately ended the game, Harpastum was scored in points with the winning team being whichever had more points at the end of play.

The teams would be equally sized, and could have as few as 5 and as many as 15 players on the field at a time. Antiphones and Sidonious describe three positionals: the Standing players (Stantes), Middle Runners (Medicurrens), and Forwards. Each of these positions specialized into one or two specific skills important to succeeding at Harpastum. The Stantes, equivalent to a hybrid of a Safety and pocket passing Quarterback in American Football or a Fullback in Rugby Football, was tasked with standing in defense by their team's endzone. Typically large and strong but not particularly agile, if a Stantes came into possession of the ball somehow, they were expected to be able to throw it back quite far to a friendly Medicurrens. The Medicurrens were midfield players, specialized in quick running, short passes, and juking out defenders. The Medicurrens also acted as the principle ball carriers, and were typically the player expected to score points. It should be no surprise that the Medicurrens was the most exciting and prestigious of the positionals. Antiphanes describes watching a particularly adept Medicurrens: “He seized the ball and passed it to a team-mate while dodging another and laughing. He pushed it out of the way of another. Another fellow player he raised to his feet. All the while the crowd resounded with shouts of Out of bounds, Too far, Right beside him, Over his head, On the ground, Up in the air, Too short, Pass it back in the middle.” Medicurrens, when faced with a prospective tackle were supposed to be able to dump the ball off quick to one of their fellows and had a reputation for wily trickiness. The trickiness of a good Medicurrens was the source of Harpastum's nickname “phaininda” (to deceive), as Pollux recounts: “Phaininda takes its name from Phaenides, who first invented it,⁷ or from phenakizein (“to deceive”), because they show the ball to one man and then throw to another, contrary to expectation.” Fans of Gridiron Football should recognize the play Pollux is describing as a “pump fake”. The final positional was the Forward. Forwards were mobile to a lesser degree than a Medicurrens, but stronger. Somewhere between the lumbering Stantes and agile Medicurrens in build, the Forward's job principally was to brawl and tackle. As the ball was advanced, Forwards on attack were supposed to block down defenders while on defense Forwards were supposed to bring down the ball carrier while ruining passing attempts. The exact mechanism by which the ball would change possession isn't entirely clear, but it appears that the most common cause of turnovers was intercepted passes.

Harpastum was a game of incredible violence. The historical record of the game is replete with injuries not just of the players themselves but bystanders as well. Harpastum related injuries over the centuries included broken legs, arms, and backs. In one incident, a man receiving a hair cut or a shave at a tonstrina (barbershop) was killed when a pickup game of street ball spilled over into the store. The brutality of the game is not surprising if it is indeed based on Episkyros, as the original Greek game was intended to teach young men martial skills.

The Roman Empire was massive and long-lived, and Harpastum retained popularity throughout most of its existence and across most of its territory. However, for whatever reason following the split of the Roman empire into West (based in Italy) and East (based in Greece), Harpastum declined precipitously in popularity in the Eastern half. As the classical era gave way to the medieval in the Eastern Mediterranean, Harpastum died out there. In the west on the other hand, even after the Roman Empire's collapse, the game would survive and eventually evolve into what sports historians call “Medieval Football.”

Knights in Shining Shoulder Pads

If you look at the Wikipedia articles for any game that calls itself Football in the present day, it will list a mysterious game called “Medieval Football” as its direct ancestor, presumably removed by only a couple of generations or even less. What exactly is this? Unlike Harpastum which was in general one game with slight regional variations, Medieval Football was a broad spectrum of independent games that almost certainly branched off of Harpastum and then may have then syncretized with some local indigenous ball games in the former territory of the Western Roman Empire. Trying to pin down what exactly Medieval Football games were is further complicated by the return of the shameful connotation of the ball-playing sports in Western Europe in this time. When reconstructing these games, we can't rely on the same level of in depth description that we have for Harpastum, instead many of these games are referenced by contemporary sources only in passing and often with a dismissive attitude.

In general, however, it appears that the successor games in the former Roman territories branched off into two subsets following Rome's collapse: “carrying” games and “kicking” games (so labeled in Francis Willughby's post-medieval 1660 text Book of Games), differentiated by the principle action through which the ball was advanced down field. From around the 6th century AD until around the 13th century AD, both variants were interchangeably referred to in England as “playing ball” (literally pila ludicra according to the Venerable Bede or pilae ludus by Nennius) and after the 14th century AD as simply “foot ball” or “football.” Little is recorded in primary sources about the rules of these games until the early modern era. What we do know for sure, however, was that these games were both extremely popular and extremely violent.

As with Harpastum, there were typically no or few limits in either version of medieval football on how violent the contest could be. In multiple cases in medieval England, players were charged with murder for killing opponents during the game.⁸ It should be no surprise then, that the legal authorities of the middle ages in Britain and France (where football was most popular) cracked down on the game frequently. In fact the first recorded instance of the word “football” in the English language was a legal edict issued by the mayor of London banning football games in the streets of London.⁹

Despite their violent nature, football games (of the carrying type especially) took on a literally religious significance in England. The carrying game of football acquired the nickname “Shrovetide Football” in medieval England, as large semi-official exhibition games were organized around Christmas, Easter, and Shrove Tuesday. In fact, these games are still practiced in England to this day in certain parts of the country. Shrovetide football has few rules – except for avoiding manslaughter and grievous harm. Instead of being played on a ~100 metre field, the game is played on the entire space between two villages or neighbourhoods. Each participating polity has a traditional stone or marker for the purpose of playing football and the winner of the Shrovetide game is whichever polity touches the ball to the other polity's marker first. Under traditional Shrovetide rules, there are no restrictions on how the ball can be moved. It is and was not uncommon for the ball to be advanced on horseback (or in a motor vehicle today).

The association of the carrying game with religious festivals was significant enough that it led to their suppression under the Cromwell regime in the 1640s and 50s .¹⁰ Both causes for legalistic suppression of football – religious and in the name of public order – failed miserably. In the middle ages, when the state machinery was primitive, such edicts were simply ignored without consequence. Under the republican regime (arguably the first modern state in Europe) the ban was actually enforced to disastrous effect. 13 citizens engaged in a friendly match of the kicking game were arrested by military authorities in the town of Scarborough in January of 1660.¹¹ On the same day in Bristol, military authorities interceded to break up a football game of the carrying variety. Both towns erupted into riots, which spread to other cities where football was popular. By March 30th, restrictions on football where walked back by most regional authorities and football fans had seized the city hall of York “in warlike manner…with halberds, swords, muskets, fowling pieces and other guns and weapons” (according to a paper by Professor Bernard Capp of the University of Warwick) and demanded a nation-wide end to restrictions on ball playing. The republican government revoked all bans, but not before fining the ringleaders of the York rioters £10 each for “instigating publick disorder.”

In order to reconstruct the medieval form of football, we will rely on the early modern writingof Francis Willughby in his Book of Games. Although Willughby was writing as late as the 1660s, his extensive description of football is the first of its kind since the Roman period. He was writing during a renewed embrace of public sport by the British aristocracy following the downfall of the republican dictatorship, when even a sport as low-brow as football was allowed an academic treatment. Willughby refers to the kicking game as “football” and lays out the rules:

They blow a strong bladder and tie the neck of it as fast as they can, and then put it into the skin of a buls cod and sow it fast in. They play in a longe streete, or a close that has a gate at either end. The gates are called Gaols, as A B, C D. The ball is thrown up in the middle between the gaols, as about O, the plaiers beeing æqually divided according to their strength and nimblenesse. A plaiers must kick the ball towards C D gaol, C plaiers towards A B gaol, and they that can strike the ball thorough their enemies gaol first win. They usually leave some of their best plaiers to gard the gaol while the rest follow the ball.

They often breake one anothers shins when two meete and strike both togather against the ball, & therefore there is a law that they must not strike higher then the ball. Tripping Up of Heels is when one followes one of his enemies & to prevent him from striking the ball strikes that foot as hee runs, that is from the ground, which catching against the other foote makes him fall. All the slight is to hit that foot that is mooving and just taken from the ground, & then a little touch makes him fall. Suppose a foot fixed, b mooving from n to m. If it bee strooke on the outside before it comes to C, just against the fixed foote, it falls crosse behind the fixed foot at L and makes him fall. The harder the ball is blowne, the better it flys. They use to put quicksilver into it sometimes to keep it from lying still. The plaiers must at first stand all at their gaols, the ball lying just in the middle betweene them, & they that can run best get the first kick. In this we can see that the kicking form of football has already become significantly less violent that its ancestor game of Harpastum, even before the Cambridge rules neutered it totally. Even so, it seems that while you could not tackle your opponent outright (“therefore there is a law that they must not strike higher than the ball”), you could still trip them down. Willughby describes the carrying game – which he refers to as hurling – as follows:

Hurling is divided into In-Hurling & Out-Hurling. The first is thus. After 20 men or thereabouts are numbered on either party, one takes a leather ball & tosses it up in the midst betweene both sides. He that catches it endeavours to run away with it to the adverse goale. If one of the opposites stop him, either he wrestles (then the ball is throwne to one on his owne side, but the others may intercept it, & taken by one of his owne party, who runs away with it towards the contrary goale &c.) or throwes it if he can to one of his owne side & refuses to wrestle. Outhurling is playd by one parish against another, or Easterne men against the Westerne, or Cornwall against Devonshire. They play in the same manner as the other, but make churches, townes &c. theire goales. If any of them can hold of a stirrop he is not denyed liberty to run with the ball in his hand as fast as the horse goes. Other horses are engaged against him. They runne through the worst of places, quagmires &c. If he that tosses up the ball at the first be not in the middle, he is then to hurle at the furthest goale. Any one that can procure leave from the next Justice of Peace, goes into a markett towne & holds in his hand a wooden ball covered with a silver plate, & by a proclamation invites all that will come to a Hurling, mentioning the time & place. This fellow that finds the ball gathers mony of those that play.

What interest me about this passage is that it actually divides the carrying game in two: it describes a carrying game obviously very similar to Harpastum (“In-Hurling”) and Shrovetide football (“Out-Hurling”). If these were indeed considered separate games – and we have no reason to suppose otherwise – then it implies that it is the “in-hurling” variety that serves as the one-generation antecedent of Gridiron Football and Rugby rather than the academic consensus ancestor Shrovetide football. It is also worth noting that Willughby only gives the name “football” to the kicking game, which is unusual for the time. This is the earliest example I could find claiming that the kicking game and carrying games were in fact separate families rather than the same amorphous game played by the common mobs.

Modern Football

The word “Modern” in the historiographical sense refers to the period of history following the rapid social changes of the 15th and 16th centuries, but in the study of football “modern” (as distinct from “medieval”) refers to the games played after football transitioned from being a sport played by common people to a game with rigidly defined rules developed by the growing bourgeois upper class in the 19th century. The bourgeoisie – who were born from the urban merchant and business owning classes of medieval Europe – were themselves very recently “common” people, meaning that as they rose to power in the states of Europe in the 18th and 19th centuries, common athletic pastimes like football rose with them and eclipsed sports with a more aristocratic tinge.

If any singular transition from medieval to modern football can be pinned down, it must be what occurred in 1845 at the Rugby School in Warwickshire, England. Rugby was a school founded in the 1500s as a “public” school opened to the children of any family able to pay for tuition.¹² By the 19th century, this meant that it was one of the network of prestigious schools that trained generations of British colonial administrators, army officers, and sea captains alongside Eton, Harrow, and Winchester College.¹³ It makes sense then, as a nucleus of bourgeois culture, that Rugby would take a game as diverse and nebulously defined as British football and attempt to constrain it to a consistent and rational ruleset. The bourgeoisie have always prided themselves on doing away with medieval superstition and irrationality in favour of sterile and liberal rationalism.

The ruleset that Rugby developed was based on the carrying game of football rather than the kicking game and was inspired by the rules of medieval football that happened to be most popular in the Warwickshire area. The rules as they were laid out in 1845 were written by the physical education department of the school and you can read them in their original form here if you really want to, although there are some glaring omissions (how many points is a try?). The rules were quite similar to modern rugby (of both kinds). The original game of rugby was played on a 110 yard by 65 yard field with 10 yard endzones. The goal of the game was to touch the ball to the ground in the other team's end zone (worth 5 points) at which point you would be given the opportunity to score more points (2) by kicking the ball through upright poles at the front of each endzone. The ball could only be advanced forward by kicking it or carrying it, but could be thrown laterally or backwards. Tackled ball carriers had to relinquish control of the ball to a teammate and players without the ball could only be tackled by the ball carrier.

Immediately the codified game of Rugby became immensely popular with the upper and middle classes of the British Empire. As it spread outwards through the empire, it was tweaked by the settlers who brought it with them to colonial schools. The first of these tweaked versions of football was Australian rules football in 1858, followed shortly after by Canadian football in 1861 (developed right here in Toronto, Ontario). By 1863, Rugby football had escaped the culture of the bourgeois upper-crust and had become popular in England as a general past-time enjoyed by all. Calls went out to further refine a unified code of football and the “Football Association” (FA) was founded by a network of donors interested in the sport and set about writing a new universal code for the game. However, things took a strange turn. The document returned by the FA was not at all like Rugby. It banned hard hits and tackles, ball carrying, and replaced the end-zones with goals. The FA had based their new rules not on the carrying game as many of the organization's initial donors had presumed they would, but instead on the kicking game of football. This result was polarizing, with those donor institutions that were unwilling to accept the new rules leaving the FA in its first year of operation and organizing their own competitor the “Rugby Football Union” by 1871. Eventually, the FA rules would become more popular with the British public, which is why soccer is referred to as “football” in England and “soccer” in the rest of the Anglosphere, where local variants of Rugby had already been established by the time of the FA/RFU split.¹⁴ Rugby is still played at a high level in England despite soccer's much greater popularity, but it has attained a reputation for being a bit of a snobbish sport enjoyed by Eton alumni.

Aside on the history of American Football

If you google “when was the first game of American Football played” or “first game of College Football” you will be served factually incorrect information. This has been my pet peeve and a thorn in my side since before I began writing and researching this article. The false information is the following: “What is considered to be the first American football game was played on November 6, 1869, between Rutgers and Princeton, two college teams.” This quote is lifted directly from Wikipedia. This is not correct. American Football is a SPECIFIC sport. It is not just any old game of football played on American soil! I have even seen this claim repeated by so called sports ““academics”“.¹⁵

American Football is a Rugby-descended sport played on a gridiron where the ball is moved by carrying it. There are very restrictive rules on when players are and are not allowed to kick the ball intentionally. I ask you this: does this sound like American football to you? “[The game] consisted of 25 players per team and used a round ball that could not be picked up or carried. It could, however, be kicked or batted with the feet, hands, head, or sides, with the objective being to advance it into the opponent's goal. Rutgers won the game 6–4.” This is not American Football! This is the kicking game of football! What Rutgers and Princeton were playing was a more civilized version of American kicking game “mob football” (as medieval football was called at the time). It is basically soccer. It has no relation to American Football in any way other than being a game played in America with a ball on foot.

The first game of American Football, as I explained in my article about Canadian Football, was played in 1874 between McGill and Harvard. American Football is directly descended from Canadian Football and has absolutely no relation at all to the so called “American Football” game played between Princeton and Rutgers in 1869. It is a genuine disgrace that the NCAA lists the “1869 season” in their College Football archive. The first actual season of College Football was played in 1874 after the McGill-Harvard game with rules inspired by Rugby Football and was won by an undefeated Yale team who went 3-0-0 that year.

The biggest mystery of all is why this is even claimed – and so widely! It is not like this game was the first time a game of medieval (pre-Rugby) football was played in the United States of America. Are Americans just too chauvinistic to admit that their national pastime was not invented in America? They have to claim the 1869 Princeton Rutgers game was American Football because otherwise they would have to admit that the first Gridiron game was played in Toronto? Not only is this unfair to our country, it is also unfair to the Yale football program who should rightly be credited as the first NCAA champions (not Rutgers).

The Football Family Tree

Based on my study on the games pretending to the name “football,” we can roughly organize the history of the sports into a single family tree extending back to Episkyros. This family tree is exhibited in the following diagram:

Extinct antecedents of modern football are shown in red. Games that are played ceremonially but do not have professional infrastructure are shown in yellow. Games with professional leagues are shown in green. Lines show both confirmed and alleged descent. I have left Shrovetide football as the ancestor of Gridiron football and Rugby football rather than differentiating between “In-Hurling” and “Out-Hurling”, as is the scholarly consensus. Calcio Storico Fiorentino¹⁵ and its tenuous connection to carrying game of football is included as a teaser for a future appendix article investigating a dubious claim I found in a late medieval source alleging Italian influence on the development of football in England.

Conclusion

So who owns the name “football” then? Well, nobody, really. The name itself is an invention of the middle ages and the original game or games that it describes no longer exist. Whatever game is called “football” in a specific part of the Anglosphere is more dependent on what variation of modern football was more popular in that region in the 19th century than on any sort of logic about the name's etymology. I will however contend the following: any game that does not allow full contact or violence of some sort should not be calling itself “football” for historical and traditional reasons. Therefore, until soccer allows full on tackling and/or fighting, FIFA should drop the name “football” from its acronym. They can take it back up when I see Messi break somebody's nose. Blood Bowl was real, and we can make it real again.

I ran out of time while writing this article, and had to stay up past my bedtime on November 30th to get it done in time. In the near future, I will go back over this article and correct any spelling or grammar errors as well as add an organized bibliography with my sources. I will also be writing an appendix article covering stuff I didn't have time for in this article, mainly about medieval football in Italy.

Footnotes

1. Despite Europeans online smugly referring to Girdiron Football as “Handegg”, the ball used in American and Canadian Football is in fact officially called a “lemon” according to the Football Canada rulebook. Perhaps calling it Footlemon would satisfy the complainers. The NFL instead refers to this shape as a “prolate spheroid,” but Footprolatespheroid simply does not roll off the tongue.
2. Blood Bowl's tagline is “the real game of fantasy football” and officially claims to be inspired by American Football, but Blood Bowl actually bears little resemblance beyond the superficial to the real life sport. Indeed, with the lack of play stoppage and inherently limited substitutions, the game is more like rugby with no onsides rule and legal forward passing.
3. Whether or not κοινος refers to “[upon the] common land” or “[in] common” as in “in a team” is apparently not unambiguous. I found more sources supporting the latter interpretation, however in his article Epikoinos: The Ball Game Episkuros and Illiad, David Elmer summarizes the common counterargument: “Episkuros was not the only ancient game (ball or otherwise) played in teams or groups, so that, on this view, the name would not refer to a particularly distinctive feature. “
4. Whether or not Harpastum was copied directly from Episkyros or in fact the Romans simply retroactively claimed that it was is not entirely clear. It's hard to directly compare the two games, as we have much more documentation on the procedures of Harpastum than we do on the specifics of Episkyros.
5. This hasn't stopped FIFA from claiming Episkyros as the original game of Soccer. Technically, they are correct, in the sense that English medieval football descends from Episkyros by way of Harpastum, but one of the few things we know about Episkyros is that very little kicking of the ball was involved.
6. I say most common rules because like all pre-modern sports games, there was not necessarily a universally agreed upon set. The Roman empire was massive, and Harpastum was played from Scotland to Egypt, with presumably many tweaks to rules from region to region.
7. Almost certainly not.
8. As the English version of the edict reads: “forasmuch as there is great noise in the city caused by hustling over footballs in the fields of the public from which many evils might arise which God forbid: we command and forbid on behalf of the king, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the city in the future.” The edict was also issued in French, wherein the football is referred to as “pelote de pee” (lol).
9. This was especially common in university towns, frequently with both the perpetrator and the victim being a young student. In the most famous incident, a group of unnamed Irish students murdered an English student named Adam of Salisbury during the course of a game played on the streets of Oxford.
10. Cromwell was England's head of state during the country's brief republican period. Despite the radically progressive nature of his regime, he and his core supporters were devout puritans. Puritans were egalitarian minded (based) but also opposed all public displays of fun and all religious holidays (cringe).
11. Although the republican era is usually associated with the austere character of Oliver Cromwell, this was actually during the reign of the republic's 3rd and final head of state: Committee of Safety Commander-in-Chief Charles Fleetwood.
12. This is why in Britain a “public” school actually refers to a school that rich kids go to (what we would call a private school). They are not “public” in the sense of public ownership but public in the sens that anyone of sufficient net worth may attend.
13. The influence of these schools was so great on the new British upper class of the 18th and 19th centuries that the Duke of Wellington himself once claimed “the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton.”
14. The word “soccer” itself comes from a 19th century fad in English slang. At the time, it was common to add the syllable “er” to the end or replace the final syllable of words as a joke. As a result, “Association Football” (as FA rules football was called) was shortened to “Assoccer” and finally “soccer”.
15. John Eisenberg – you better PRAY I don't see you in the streets of North York. This is a threat. I am putting this in the footnotes because it's less likely your lawyer will find it.

I saw them hurrying from either side and each shade kissed another, without pausing, Each by the briefest society satisfied.

(Ants in their dark ranks, meet exactly so, rubbing each other’s noses, to ask perhaps What luck they’ve had, or which way they should go.)

—Dante, Purgatorio, Canto XXVI

I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I love to read specific books at specific times. I read Around the World in 80 Days whenever I’m on a road trip. I read The Plague whenever I get sick¹. And every spring, I find myself reading Ant Encounters by Deborah Gordon.

I’m not sure why I find ants so interesting. My fascination with them certainly doesn’t carry over to any other bug or insect, which for the most part I am grossed out by. All creepy crawlies, really. I had pet hermit crabs as a kid and while my brothers were happy to hold them, I could not stand the feeling of their tiny legs crawling across my palm. Spiders I have a primal aversion to. I do not want to touch moths, caterpillars, grasshoppers, beetles, bees, or ladybugs.

But ants I’m chill with.

I think it must’ve come from a place of early childhood wonder and confusion: How do ants actually do anything?

Have you ever been walking down the sidewalk and seen a large black splotch on the pavement… only to realize it's a swarm of ants moving a discarded lollipop? Then you know the experience. Hundreds, thousands, of tiny critters all working together under a single will to achieve things otherwise impossible for them.

Somehow these vast and complex ant colonies build nests, forage for food, wage wars with other colonies, farm fungus, weave nests from larvae silk, kill plants with acid injection, conduct raids across forests, and cover food with leaves to hide it from scavengers. And believe me, ants do not have very big brains! So, how does it all get done?

The answer to how ants are able to do this changes as our own understanding of organization evolves. Let’s jump into Gordon’s Ant Encounters to learn about two of my favourite things: dynamic systems theory… and ants!

I suppose it’s only natural I love ants because I am equally fascinated by dynamic, complex, non-linear systems. I remember being a first year university student and watching videos on Youtube about those bird flock simulations known as boids. I’m sure anyone who has a computer science degree has seen these before…

Beautiful boids flying together in a virtual sky.

What makes boids so interesting — in my opinion — is how this behaviour emerges from extremely simplistic rules programmed into each boid. Just three rules:

1) Separation – Each boid moves away from other boids nearby to avoid collisions.

2) Alignment – Each boid adjusts its velocity to the average of boids around it, causing the flock to move in a general direction.

3) Cohesion – Each boid steers towards the average center of mass of boids around it, ensuring group integrity.

There is no global pattern or overseer that the little arrows are following. From these three simple internal rules, complex flocking patterns emerge, just like in real life. Similar rules govern real birds, swarms of fish, flying insects. Even groups of people driving cars are a sort of dynamic system. There are more rules than just three, but from very simple interactions (stop at red, drive at green, let pedestrians cross, etc.) a self-adjusting and self-sufficient system is born that works… most of the time. When it fails, it’s catastrophic and you are stuck in traffic for hours and hours… but it's still impressive that we can shuttle thousands of people on asphalt grids with minimal inter-vehicle communication between them all.

Ant Encounters starts off with a historical account of ant research. As long as there have been humans, there have been humans fascinated with ants². As we saw in Purgatorio at the top of the article (which is also quoted at the beginning of the book), Dante poetically muses that ants rub noses as a way to tell each other what to do and where to go. In Proverbs 6:6, we read: “Look to the ant, thou sluggard—consider her ways and be wise. Without chief, overseer or ruler, she gathers the harvest in the summer to eat in the winter.”

Yes, sluggard, consider the ant!

But don’t ants have a ruler? What about their queen?

It is true that in all 11,000 species of ants, there is always a single (or a few) reproductive females which lay eggs while the rest are sterile worker females. However, the history of the term ‘queen’ comes from 1609 in Charles Butler’s The Feminine Monarchie, or the Historie of Bees, where bees are described as loyal workers, toiling away happily under a benevolent monarch. The idea quickly spread to those researching ants and the name stuck. Monarchy then wasn’t just another human political invention, it was a reflection of the cultivated perfection found within Nature… but 200 years later, this view was beginning to change.

“In a lively discussion in the Ecole Normale in Paris in 1795, year 3 of the French Revolution, Daubenton, a professor of natural history, argued that there is no royalty in nature—for example, the queen bee does nothing more than lay eggs. His colleague Latreille wrote in 1798 that the ants in the colony are not really subjugated workers; instead, the colony has 'a single will, a single law' based on the love each ant feels for the others.” (pg. 2)

As political structures around Europe twisted and turned and flipped, so did the way we see and investigate nature. Kropotkin, famous anarchist writer, sees in woodcutter ants co-operation rather than competition as the driving force in natural organization. Even towards the current day, we see modern life and fears reflected in our tiny friends.

“In The Book of Merlyn by T. H. White, Merlin transforms the young Arthur into an ant and sends him to work in a desolate tunnel with loudspeakers blaring allegiance to an ant Big Brother and walls plastered with signs reading 'Everything not forbidden is compulsory.' More recently, movies such as Antz, It’s a Bug’s Life, and The Ant Bully show the colony as a corporation with more or less disgruntled workers.” (pg. 4)

As modern ecology begins to come out of the 19th and 20th century, an interesting point is made: individual ants don’t actually reproduce. Colonies reproduce, by sending out new queens and males to mate with other colony representatives. Ants don’t create new ants. Colonies create new colonies. In an ecological sense, it’s not the ant which is the organism, but the colony itself; a sort of “super-organism” wherein all the ants make up the cells and organs and internal processes.

It’s like a body without skin needing to hold everything together, where the parts freely move about, arranging and moving food, waste, and eggs. A colony is, in a sense, those cells — and a nest is its temporary body. In some ways, the ants are also like individual neurons in a brain. I hope I’m not pressing the point too hard, but I just find the concept of a super-organism so bizarre and alien, a body made of bodies, that I really want to emphasize it. If your world is not enchanted, you are not paying enough attention.

Okay but enough of this (I hear you say), enough about boids and Dante and Antz, how do ants actually organize if there is no king or queen or dictator or project manager?

Well, let’s start with what ants actually do.

Gordon mostly focuses on red harvester ants (Pogonomyrmex barbatus) for her research, so we will follow her description of their roles. Here is a picture of the fellas so you can envision them in your head (or I guess if you have no thought imagery you can just keep scrolling up to look at them every now and then):

Red harvester ants. So cute!

“These seed-eating ants are common in the deserts and dry grasslands of the south-western United States, Mexico, and South America. Four tasks are performed outside the nest: foraging, patrolling, nest colony organization maintenance work, and midden work. Foragers travel away from the nest in streams reaching 10 to 30 meters from the nest and then fan out and search for seeds, which they bring back to the nest to be processed and stored. The patrollers are the first ants to leave the nest in the morning. They search the nest mound and foraging area, and choose the day’s foraging directions. It is the return of the patrollers that stimulates the foragers to begin their work for the day. Nest maintenance workers carry out the dry soil that collects inside the nest during the excavation and repair of underground chambers. Midden workers manipulate and sort the refuse pile, or midden.” (pg. 30-31)

That gives us four rough categories of work ants: 1) Foragers 2) Patrollers 3) Nest maintenance/brood care 4) Midden workers

You might be tempted to think that there are different types of ants for different roles, as I thought the same before doing further research. This is especially tempting in species with different sizes of ants within the same colony. But this would be a very unstable system. What happens if all the foragers are wiped out on patrol during a rainstorm, or all the midden workers are crushed by a cave-in? Research has also shown that even in the minority of ant species with size differentiation (only 44 of the 263 genera), there is little difference in task effectiveness between ants of different sizes. It's not so much a division of labour where some ants are born for foraging and others for midden work, but instead a term Gordon calls Task Allocation. Each of the four categories of work an ant can do is a specific task. What an ant is doing at any given time is dependent on what other ants are doing and what it is currently doing itself.

“I found that ants switch tasks if more ants are needed to perform a particular task. Not all transitions are possible. If more foragers are needed, workers of the other three tasks will switch tasks to forage. If more patrollers are needed, nest maintenance workers will switch tasks to patrolling. If more nest maintenance workers are needed, they must be recruited from the younger workers inside the nest. Then, once a worker becomes a forager, it does not switch back to any other task. Thus, foraging acts as a sink, while the younger workers inside the nest, who will be recruited to nest maintenance if needed, act as a source.” (pg. 32)

So through the life cycle of an ant (around one year for red harvester ants), it will go from an egg to a larva to a pupa to an adult. After emerging from its pupa cocoon, it immediately begins brood care — taking care of other pupa and larva, i.e. spawn in and keep doing what others were doing to help spawn you in. After some time and noticing there aren’t enough nest maintenance workers, it will switch to nest maintenance. Then if there aren’t enough patrollers, it will switch to being a patroller, and then finally to a forager if necessary. Foraging works as a sink because it often ends in predation or other death.

Now for the final piece of our puzzle: how do ants know when to switch tasks?

This comes back to what our old friend Dante³ said at the start of our article: rubbing noses. Ants have extremely limited senses. Most are limited to vague sensations of light/dark, water, vibrations. Where ants excel is their sense of smell, from which they can detect chemical signals, trail markers, members of their own brood or rival colonies, food, poison, and a host of different signals.

“The most important sensory mode of ants is olfaction. Ants use their antennae to perceive odors from objects they touch with their antennae or from the air.” (pg. 37)

So then do touching ants send signals to each other about what to do? “Need help here” one scent says, “More foragers this way, please” another smell goes. Nope, it’s much more simple and elegant than that.

“An ant uses its recent experience of interactions to decide what to do. The pattern of interaction itself, rather than any signal transferred, acts as the message.” (pg. 47-48)

The medium IS the message, literally!

“What matters is not what one ant tells another when they meet, but simply that they meet. An ant operates according to a rule such as, “If I meet another ant with odor A about three times in the next 30 seconds, I will go out to forage; if not, I will stay here.” The rules are actually more probabilistic than that—more like, “If I meet another ant with odor A about three times in the next 30 seconds, the probability that I will go out to forage will increase by about 10%; if not, it will go down by about 20%.” (pg. 48)

It's all about ants encountering ants⁴. From a series of these hard-wired, instinctual rules, ant colonies move and breathe with a fierce group intelligence. And just like boids, it’s relatively simplistic rules that in aggregate regulate the colony work allocation. No queen needed! How these individual instincts are coded or how they evolved as such I will leave as a question for science and God, but the mechanism remains as beautiful clockwork.

This ties back to how an ant switches from one task to another. If there is no change in its environment, it resumes the same task as the day before. If there are significant changes, it can reallocate itself to balance the colony equilibrium.

“An early example of the effect of interaction rate on task allocation is Wilson’s 1985 result that when the smaller workers, or minors, of Pheidole pubiventris species are removed, the larger ones, or majors, switch to perform brood care. This is the outcome of a simple rule of interaction: when majors met minors near the brood pile, they turned away. When minors were removed, there were fewer minors around. This meant that majors were less likely to meet minors and instead more likely to encounter other majors, and so they did not turn away, but instead stayed to help with the brood.” (pg. 49)

This smoothly replaces a suffering worker population. As more ants transition to brood work, it becomes more probable a wandering ant will encounter brood workers, and then less probable it will switch to that task.

To better illustrate this ‘interaction as the message’, Gordon gives us an experiment done to artificially prompt the ants to start foraging early. If you remember from before… patrollers go out in the morning and on arrival back, trigger the foragers to leave.

“Colony activity begins early in the morning, when a small group of patrollers leave the nest mound. This is probably stimulated by the warmth of the first touch of sunlight in the nest entrance; nests in the shade tend to begin patrolling later. The first patrollers meander around the foraging area, and eventually return to the nest. Foragers are stimulated to leave the nest for the first time in the morning by the return of the patrollers. If patrollers are prevented from returning, the foragers do not emerge. What guarantee do the returning patrollers provide? If a patroller can leave and return safely, without getting blown away by heavy wind or eaten by a horned-lizard predator, then so can a forager. The patrollers also put down a chemical on the nest mound that shows the foragers which direction to take when they leave the nest;” (pg. 51)

“We then replaced the patrollers with patroller mimics: little glass beads coated with extract of hydrocarbons from that colony’s patrollers. We dropped glass beads into the nests of colonies whose patrollers had not returned. Glass beads treated with patroller hydrocarbon extract stimulated foraging. Glass beads treated with hydrocarbon extract from another task, nest maintenance, or treated only with solvent as a control, did not stimulate foraging activity. Contact with beads that smell like a patroller is enough to stimulate the foragers to leave the nest.” (pg. 52)

“The rate at which patrollers return is crucial to stimulate foraging. Glass beads that smell like patrollers do not stimulate foraging unless they are introduced at the correct rate. Foraging begins when patrollers return at a rate of about 6 per minute or 1 per 10 seconds, and glass beads must be introduced at a rate of 1 per 10 seconds or foraging does not begin. One of the few ways we have ever succeeded in getting ants to do our bidding was to drop in beads coated with patroller extract at the rate of 1 per 10 seconds before foraging began. We were able to trick colonies into starting to forage earlier.” (pg. 52)

Awesome! I wish my job was to trick ants with smelly glass beads!

You could also see how these micro-interactions can quickly propagate across a group of ants, even across the entire colony, in a matter of moments.

“Many ant species use chemicals to signal alarm. Alarm pheromones are volatile, dispersing quickly in the air. Alarmed ants often run around in circles, sending out more pheromone that gets more ants running around in circles, so there is a spreading wave of alarmed ants. Alarmed ants are likely to react aggressively to whatever they meet as they dash around.” (pg. 40)

Before I go on, I want to mention a cool tidbit from the book that ties into this interaction story. I’m sure you have heard of that experiment where an ant was covered in ‘death pheromones’ and taken to the midden (trash/graveyard of the hive) by fellow hivemates, still kickin’ and screamin’. This experiment isn’t pop culture science, it is a real experiment and it does prove how much olfaction drives ants behavior. But as Gordon explains, the common story you hear leaves out a crucial detail: the “dead” ants were covered in death pheromones AFTER the scientists cooled them in a fridge until they stopped moving. Aw c’mon, that’s cheating! I’d like you to try to tell if someone is alive if giant aliens paralyzed them and made their heartbeat undetectable!

Still, there are many mysteries about ant life and memory. How long can an ant really remember something? Most of the behaviour is instinctual and automatic, but still trails need to be remembered and jobs need to be tracked. I’ll leave you with a final anecdote from Gordon’s research:

“Rosengren found that in the spring, an older ant, which survived over the winter, leads a young ant out on its preferred trail. Then the old ant dies, and the young ant adopts that trail. The older forager must remember to go on the same trail at the end of the winter as it did in the autumn, and the young forager must remember, from one day to the next, to go on the trail that the older one showed it the day before—but the colony remembers the trail for decades.” (pg. 62)

Ant intern to senior worker… :’)

If any of this interests you in the slightest, I’d give Ant Encounters a try. Especially in the Spring, once the snow begins to melt and you can read it in the park on a picnic blanket. It’s quite short too, around 180 pages. I only discussed some of the history and ant interactions, the rest of the book is full of discussion about ant colony life cycles, colony interactions, and all sorts of other goodies, including many fun insect anecdotes from Gordon’s decades of studies.

The truth is that, even now, we know next to nothing about ants. Of the 11,000 species, only about 50 have really been studied in depth. And it is hard to study ant life, given how small they are. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it is to even detect the micro-scents that govern so much of their miniscule lives. Most of the experiments Gordon herself conducted had to be done by capturing ants and marking them with tiny dots of paint. That’s not light work!

Some of the biggest mysteries are around early life for ants… It’s tough to mark and inspect ants deep underground inside a nest without fundamentally altering that nest. Many mysteries have been solved, but ants still find ways to surprise and impress us. I’m sure as our human understanding of organization and complexity changes, so will our relation to our tiny friends.

“Not many people have taken the time to watch ants carefully. In the nineteenth century, the English took their obsessions with birds and wildflowers around the world, to the great benefit of ornithology and botany, but have you ever heard of a local ant-watchers club?” (pg. 16)

Well…. anyone want to start one?

Stay frosty, Noah Ant-Watchers Club – 001 – York Region Chapter

Another article about watches. I'm too poor to buy them, but I can at least still talk to you about them. Why an article specifically about women's watches? Well, although it has gotten better, especially in recent years, the watch enthusiast crowd is a sausage fest and most watch releases are not geared towards a womanly clientèle. This article is my modest contribution to improve that first point, and study the second. I think watches are really cool and I want other people who might be interested, no matter their gender, to appreciate them as well. Included as a bonus at the end of this article is a little section about what watch I would see the people of café wearing, purely based on vibes. A thing to consider for this article is that I am mostly talking about “enthusiast” watches. Watches that are more geared towards people who care about watches, their materials and their movements – anyone that lies on the watch nerd spectrum.

_{making this image was painful}

a very, very, very brief history of women's watches

As one can expect, in the west women were excluded from the watch club early on, as the early watches were only pocket watches. Those were expensive and reserved for the elite, and elite women's garments were pocketless. Therefore women aristocrats, starting in the early 1800s, commissioned smaller watches that could be affixed to broches, necklaces and bracelets. We got the very first wristwatch, which is exclusively what we mean now when talking about watches, thanks to Queen Caroline Bonaparte Murat of Naples. It was a french made watch, built by Breguet in 1812.

_{the original was lost, this is the contemporary version, still by Breguet (the brand not the dude this time)}

The following ones were were also commissioned by women. Still, wrist watches were extremely costly and completely out of the grasp of the average woman, only being worn by the tippity top of the aristocracy. Not gonna lie, there's not a ton of info about the everyday woman's watches in history, during my research articles either talked about men or watches, but not women. It seems like then most of the women watches were confined strictly to the jewellery domain, and therefore unattainable for the majority. During WWI wristwatches started gaining popularity, and after the Great War we start seeing more varied designs — but there is no info specifically about women. Watches did get much simpler and “function over form” during WW2, but the production was not aimed towards women. And it is still not aimed towards women.

Sexism and gatekeeping did play a part in this, even as recently as the beginning of the century. Reading an article, I came across this IWC ad from November 2000, which I'm sure some chud somewhere thinks is awesome:

It reads “is nothing sacred? You'd think that a mechanical chronograph with a drag hand (maximum indicator) to measure intermediate elapsed time or a second timing cycle would be enough to put her off . No such luck. That's why we specifically made the Portuguese Chrono-(illegible) with a wider wrist — just in case she gets any ideas. Ref. 3712. £4895. Also available in 18 carat pink gold. IWC. Since 1868. And for as long as there are men.“

Although that line about pink gold is unintentionally very funny and ironic, if major watch brands were brazen enough to use this sexist garbage in their advertising in the 2000s, one can only imagine what the industry was like before in terms of sexism and gatekeeping.

I have my own theories about why it was like that: First, on the sexism part; women were not seen as needing a precise, tool-oriented timepiece — why would women need to tell time? They are just subservient creatures to their husbands, definitely not valuable and autonomous elements of society. Second, on the gatekeeping part; as pocket watches (distinctly male-oriented), disappeared to the profit of wristwatches in the early 1900s (then distinctly woman-oriented), the marketing tried to shy as far away from the jewellery label to capture men, make them feel secure about wearing watches and reaffirm their fragile masculinity. On the other hand, to help this, they triple-downed on the jewellery aspect of watches for women. You then had your men watches, which were rugged, technical and tool-oriented, and then your women's watches which were artful, precious and jewellery.

This also lead to the current general disinterest of women in watches; making watches artificially more of a man's thing and not catering to women would drive them away from watches. This whole talk about men and women's watch begs the question: what makes a watch a woman's watch?

what makes a watch a woman's watch?

The only differences that matter as far as watches are concerned, between men and women, are anatomical. On average a woman's wrist measures between 5.5” and 6.2” and a man's between 6.5” and 7.2”. That will influence the fit of a watch. But then, fit matters only as far as comfort and personal taste. So basically, anatomical differences are not relevant when it comes to determining if a watch is a “woman's” watch or not. And the rest of the differences are only due to social constructs.

_{this definitely fits}

Therefore, my postmodernist ass' take is that the concept of a woman's watch makes no sense. Just wear what you want and enjoy. Problem solved, there is no issue with watch brands not catering to women because there is no such thing as a woman's watch! Obviously there is still an issue here, if there is nothing that women want to wear and enjoy wearing, then the problem is not solved. This is why brands need to also cater to women's wants and needs, just like they do men. There are plenty of “jewellery” watches, but the offering for accessible regular watches is lacking for women. The 'regular' watch caters to men, and excludes women.

why cater to women?

Before we dive into how brands have chosen to cater to women, it would serve to establish why it's important to cater to women, and not just men. It's simply not cool to exclude women is the first major reason, and the main reason that watch manufacturers should consider. However, the main reason watch manufacturers would actually consider is the second major one: if you exclude half of the population from your consumer base, you are leaving money on the table. Nobody will be surprised to learn that the watch market has been suffering for the last few years. Firstly because people have less money to spend on useless luxury goods, which watches are, but also because US tariffs are increasing the price of watches in one the the biggest luxury goods consumer market in the world, decreasing the demand even further. Swiss watches are ubiquitous when talking about luxury watches, and at the moment of writing, the US tariffs for Switzerland are 39%. This is also a double whammy because watch brands want to keep semi-consistent pricing around the globe, and will therefore also increase prices all around, not just in the US, making it harder for you and me — who don't live in the US — to buy watches (fuck the USA and their stupid-ass government).

shortcomings with the current catering to women

One of the main ways women are excluded from the watch world is with dimensions in my opinion. Looking at the ad I showed in the previous section, IWC used sizing to gatekeep their watches from women “That's why we specifically made the Portuguese Chrono-(illegible) with a wider wrist — just in case she gets any ideas.“

_{refresher on watch dimensions}

Currently, the enthusiast watch market is mostly composed of watches meant for medium to large men's wrists. There has been a very recent push by enthusiast to have more 39-40mm diameter offerings (a couple mm makes a difference, I swear), but it is still on the larger side, and that's even without factoring the lug-to-lug dimensions, thickness, lug width... To put it plainly here is a lack of good offerings accommodating smaller wrist from regular brands; some women will like to wear watches that look small on their wrist, others watches that fit just right, and finally some watches that look oversized — there should be good watches available to all of them.

There are challenges with making good, smaller watches however. One of those is with the movements. If you remember, the movement is the engine of the watch. Miniaturising anything is a challenge, and it is no different for movements. But while it is an engineering challenge to make smaller movement, not only do we have the technology, but it was done before. Watches from decades ago were smaller than their contemporary counterparts and they were not all just quartz movements, which are easier to make small. It is possible to make small mechanical movements, as all watches before the Quartz Crisis (beginning in 1969, having a cool-ass name and being a topic for another article) were on the smaller side and still mechanical, simply because quartz movements were not available before then. But brands are just not putting the effort into making smaller movements.

I'm not just talking out of my ass, let's take a concrete example with the brand Breitling. Breitling recently refreshed their Super Ocean Heritage line-up, which is their historical diver's watch model. With this refresh came 4 different sizes, and more excitingly their newly unveiled B31 movement. This movement is particularly appealing because it is Breitling's new and first three hand “in-house” _{(not really but it's not the point of this article)} movement. And it's great that it's what's powering those new watch models. Well that is, for all sizes except the smallest one, which incidentally would be the one preferred by bearers of smaller wrists, which uses a third party movement.

And then, Breitling is not doing too bad; for the smaller Super Ocean Heritage model, the colours are good, it still looks on par with the bigger models, and the movement is far from being bad. The way some other brands go about making smaller watches leaves way more to be desired. I'm talking about the infamous “pink it, shrink it, quartz it”. The lazy 'womanification' of a watch goes as follows: take a male model, make it smaller (do not take any element of design into consideration, just miniaturise it), put a random quartz movement in there because no decent cheap pre-made mechanical movement will fit the case, change the dial colour to be more girly, add diamonds, stones... and you're done. That is very lazy and also shitty and tacky.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom, it is looking up for the people in the itty bitty wrist committee. The 'pink it and shrink it' model is becoming more of a thing of the past for the established watch brands. One can hope that in a couple of decades, we'll just have good offerings for every wrist size (if the brands have not all gone under). In the meantime, let's look at some brands that people think are doing good when it comes to catering to women, and what they do.

so what do we do about it? (or What some brands that have good women's offering are doing)

The image above is from one of Cartier's most popular watch, the Cartier Tank — do you notice something? They have a bunch of sizes for that model, and they still look identical. They don't have the big sizes being males models looking clean, and the small size women's being bedazzled, and pink. Their designs are very similar, they look good on men and women alike, and they have size options ranging from mini to extra large — with small, medium and large in between (pictured above). And that's not just for the Tank, but for most of their collections. On the movement front, they do use quartz, but it's usually for the whole line up, and with watches that are that small and not always round, like the Cartier Tanks mini, quartz is just the best option. It's cartier's own quartz movements, so they're not just putting any random shitty movement that fits. And that's why they're the goats. _{(Also quartz does not mean bad by any means, but it's a topic for another article)}

Let's move down to more reasonable prices and look at Casio. Casio's claim to fame are their digital watches. And while they only come in one size, they usually boast very restrained dimensions that look good on both small and medium wrists. Bigger wrists are also eating good with Casio's giant chunky g-shocks. Their designs are good, and what I would qualify as indémodable, their watches are very affordable, useful and will last you a lifetime. And that's why they're the goats.

Another brand that I have read a lot of women appreciate is Rolex. We are moving way up in price. Despite what one may think about Rolex currently, they are generally doing good by women. They have popular models in a variety of small sizes — not just a couple of medium to big sizes and a single small size for women. They have 41-36-34-31-28mm diameter sizes usually, which gives many option for people who have smaller wrists. The designs are also almost identical, no matter the size of a particular model, just look at the image above. Their popular lines are also customizable: you like bedazzled? Select the diamond incrusted bezel and the diamond indices dial. Hate it? You can also choose a plain dial and bezel. They have good movements in their smaller watches, that they make in-house just like their bigger movements. They have good models for women, but unfortunately some of their most popular models like the submariner, the GMT Master and the Daytona are only available in one size, and that size only fits medium to large wrists.

From this small selection of brands that are doing good by women, there's a couple things that are apparent. First, there are size options for smaller wrist. Second, they just have good design, it's stuff that is appealing for everyone, not just people who love stereotypically “girly” stuff. Lastly, the technical aspect of the watch is not disregarded; the movements of the small models are good, it's not just some random thing thrown in at the last minute. In general those watch brands care about their womanly clientèle and put effort in their “women models” or into making their more unisex general models accessible for people with small wrists. But does all this effort pay off? Well, Rolex is the #1 best selling luxury watch brand, Cartier just overtook Omega as the #2 and Casio, after reading their Q4 2025 report _{(note japan's fiscal year starts in April, so Q4 is Jan-Mar)} is doing solid.

conclusion:

In this article, we've established that the categorisation of a watch as a “woman's watch” is purely due to social constructs and therefore woman's watches aren't a thing. However, we've also seen that there is not a lot of watches that women would want to wear, primarily due to them being gatekept from attractive models with sizing, and being served inferior models — whether from a technical or design standpoint — in the only sizes that fits them. To confirm this, we've looked at some brands that women seem to appreciate. We find that those brands provide attractive designs in a wide range of sizes. Now if you've read this article, you might be under the impression that I just want traditionally more male models (boring steel watches) to fit women, and that I think that would fix the issue; I don't. I want to make clear that I think there should be all kinds of designs in all kinds of different sizes. If a man wants to wear some cool bedazzled watch that is almost more the realm of hardcore jewellery than watch, like the Bvlgari Serpenti Secret Watch, I think there should be options for him. Similarly, if a woman wants to wear some more sterile pseudo-military watch, like the Micromilspec Milgraph, she shouldn't be sized out. In my ideal watch world, there would be many options for anybody wanting anything.

_{BVLGARI Serpenti Secret Watch and Micromilspec Milgraph}

We still have a long way to go, but I think big brands are slowly moving towards more inclusive sizing. The microbrands are really driving the chance in some respect, but they are more niche. There's some other work that to be done as well and, in my opinion that needs to be done, it's the only way for watch brands not to die. Particularly, if you allow me to digress [1000 words rant redacted, we'll keep it for another article]. Let's just leave it at that. See you in a next one.

Disclaimer: I'm just a regular dude with no special insight whatsoever into the watch world, don't take anything here too seriously. Those are just the divagations of a watch nerd.

Thank you for reading my logorrhea Eddie – Award winning author

bonus section: watch for people

Alrighty, the part that most of you are waiting for, the bonus watch assignment. I hope none of you have scrolled all the way down to this section without reading the full article 🙂. I trolled you a bit with the first picture of the article, and if you hadn't noticed, it's all horrendous watches. Also, don't hold it against me if you aren't on the list — it's either that I don't see you wearing a watch, or I haven't been inspired by any watch and thought “that screams [insert name]“. My own wife is not on this list. It really isn't that deep. Ok, let's get started:

• Nick: Hamilton Khaki Field “Murph” 38mm. I just see him wearing this, it's a simple and classic piece, that is not boring. Easy to style.

• Noah: Seiko Prospex SPB121 “Alpinist”. The green dial is reminiscent of his Muggies outfit – and the smooth steel bezel of his head. The watch may be a hair too thick for him but the other dimensions should be perfect.

• Kaitlyn: Jaeger Le Coutre Reverso Tribute Small Seconds Q397843J. I'm gonna cheat a bit with this one on two aspects. Firstly, although the watch comes with a green strap, I would see Kaitlyn wearing it with a brown strap like in the picture below. Secondly, I think the watch might be a tad big, so this will be an imaginary version of the watch that is smaller and comes with a brown strap. Brown strap and green dial will also make it so both Kaitlyn and Noah's watches have similar colour scheme, which I'm sure they can appreciate.

• Edna: Tank Must de Cartier – Small Model. A classic, refined and elegant piece for a dignified corporate girlie. I think Cartier's blue accent would fit Edna's vibe very well.

• Elisa: Tissot PRX 25mm. I genuinely don't know why but I see Elisa rocking this. I saw it in the flesh metal at the airport, and it's what immediately jumped at me. I think it might suit Elisa better if the dial had a subtle waffle pattern, like the bigger models, instead of the sunray finish.

• Bennet: Grand Seiko SLGW003 “White Birch”. Classic old timey feel without having to deal with the hassle of a vintage watch. It not being automatic and needing to be wound is a plus for the tactile feel of it. The cherry on top is that when rewinding the watch, it looks like a wood pecker is pecking at the gear (90% of the reason why I chose this watch for Bennet).

• Dan: SpaceOne Jumping Hour. Spaceship, Dan — the connection is evident. The choice of colour was a bit less, and I was hesitating on either blue or the iridescent colour below. I think this is it though. Apart from the design, the non-standard way the time is displayed on the watch does match his persona.

• Shrey: Fifty Fathoms Automatique – 5007 1130 B52B. I was gonna pick an apple watch for Shrey, but ever since I saw him with his massive Swarovski Diver, I knew I had to choose an equally imposing watch. One of my personal favourite design wise, the Fifty Fathom has a ton of history and heritage. This new version comes-in at a more restrained 38mm in diameter, which I think would suit Shrey best. (no heartbeat technology unfortunately)

• Vivian: Frédérique Constant Manchette. Another pick purely based on vibes. When that watch was unveiled recently, I just thought it was pretty cool and that it would suit Vivian.

The End

The streets of Downland are never empty. Quiet, sure. Safe, sometimes. But never empty. The inhabitants take pride knowing that people steer clear of Downland when the sun goes down. Most citizens of New New York never even leave the bright lights and illusion of safety, which makes Downland all the happier. Despite it's private residents, Downland has thriving businesses and shops. Most notably, “Carroway Detective Agency and Lounge”. Once famous for stopping no11 on the top 15 most wanted list of powered individuals, Carroway Detective Agency and it's lead detective, Heston Carroway, have fallen in recent years, now operating as the go-to for missing pets and cheating spouses.

So he sits. In his office, at his desk, and in the lounge, where he helps himself to the liquor cabinet and reflects on past glories.

“I could've taken all 15 myself!”

He shouts into the empty lounge. Heston is a burly man. Never out of shape, but about as wide as he is tall. If he told you he beat a powered unarmed, you might believe him. You would be wrong, of course. That credit is reserved for the glowing blue revolver strapped at his hip, half as big as his leg. Carroway draws the revolver, its blue lining illuminating the otherwise lightless room. Bottle in one hand, revolver in the other, he stumbles from the lounge to his office, murmuring to himself.

“...number...11...I coulda...”

He kicks the door shut behind him and carefully rests the half empty bottle on his desk, then promptly collapses onto what he would call a bed; an old pillow and two torn blankets. Heston is out cold. Whether the low rumbling is his snoring or labored breathing, he is out. Outside his office, driving onto the road from the dirt, is a devastating scene. A cherry red mustang. Heston loves antiques. This car is something he would see in a magazine and imagine himself driving with a beautiful woman. The open road, wind blowing in his fading hair. But even Heston Carroway, AutoMag subscriber, would fail to identify what used to be an antique mustang. Both bumpers missing, windows broken, probably more parts missing than not. It's engine sputters and dies after making it across the road. A woman stumbles out and quickly gathers herself. Dressed in an all black dress, now damaged from wherever this woman came from, she grabs a briefcase from the wrecked mustang and walks up to Carroway's office.

She reaches the entrance of “Carroway Detective Agency and Lounge”. Shaking, she leans against the wall and takes slow, deliberate breaths. Everybody outsources to powered contractors these days. When New New York tried to pass legislation banning all non-powered individuals from working on criminal cases, the public wasn't shy from sharing their opinions. Barry Bartlett, Samantha Barrett, and Chris Harper, all reporters, pushed stories opposing the “powered protection” bill. Anti bill sentiment was growing from both sides until Bartlett, Barrett, and Harper all disappeared forever. The bill didn't get passed, but the message was clear. It was happening whether they were allowed to or not. Eventually people stopped speaking out. Then they stopped asking. In the 5 years since, they would grow complacent, whether to fear or feigned ignorance. This is why Heston had to add “and Lounge” to his business. Also because as he now gets regular deliveries from the brewery under “work expenses” straight to his office.

The woman with the briefcase knocks on the door. She is frantic, but calmer now. After nobody answers, she knocks again, only to see the door slowly open. She peeps her head inside, sees Detective Carroway asleep on the floor, and reaches around for the light switch. After flicking it on, Carroway slowly awakens, and sees her in the doorway, masked by the lights outside the office. Seeing what to him is just a blurry figure, he leans up and wipes the sleep away from his eyes. He goes to get up and waves the blurry figure over. The woman shuts the door and walks over, seemingly calm again. He begins to make out more as he becomes more awake, now seeing the woman's figure walk over to his desk. Heston makes it to his desk, plops down in the chair, and turn to face the woman. She approaches, and gently places the briefcase on the desk.

“Detective Carroway?”

Heston looks in her eyes and hesitates. He knows this woman. Quickly he begins to cycle through possibilities in his head.

“Someone from the neighborhood? No, they don't talk to you anymore.”

“A spurned bar patron? A client? Impossible.”

He takes another look. Now in the light, we see that the woman's face is smeared with dirt, clothes torn as if an animal had gotten to it. She has been crying. But now she stands. Waiting. Heston leans back in his chair, stunned. It's Samantha Bartlett. The reporter. He gathers himself.

“You're Samantha Bartlett. The reporter.”

“I am.”

She answers. She doesn't seem bothered by the question but that what she has to say is more important than being missing without a trace for over 5 years. Heston stands up promptly and offers his hand to Samantha.

“Ms. Bartlett. I'd love to take your case. What you must've gone through... Don't you worry, I'm on your side. You know don't you. Who's behind it all?

She softly shakes his hand and goes to open the briefcase.

“I don't.”

She says. She takes out a picture from the briefcase and flips it over to show Heston.

“But I know who kidnapped me.”

Heston looks down at the photograph. It's an old ID picture from years ago. It's of a man. Jet black hair and a faded scar across his throat. His eyes, black and cruel. His smile, cold and empty. Jack Gage, 34.

But Heston knows him as something else. Something more personal than Jack Gage, 34. Something familiar. Something dark, and horrifying.

No11.

The stench in the sewers beneath Amuun was nearly unbearable- but a boy must have adventures. This boy was called Slippy. He used to be called another name, but there are some humiliations so complete and devastating that they stay with you. You are known to the world by that terrible moment. It warps and becomes you. Down here, he was called nothing. He preferred that. The relative silence of this place made up for its wetness, foulness, and darkness. It was a different world from the city above it. Not a kinder one, not gentler at all, but a different world. That was all Slippy asked for. He shuffled his feet along the narrow ledge, which dropped down into the dark stream of sewage water, his palms feeling along the cold gray stones of the tunnel's wall. He didn't slip very often these days, so he wasn't worried. His eyes assessed the water. He was not the only creature that found sanctuary down here. Reptilian beasts with long, sharp-toothed maws swam beneath the surface. Were you to miss the sight of their shiny black scales in the water, then they would snap from below the surface and drag you down in a matter of seconds. Slippy had encountered one on his second excursion into the sewers, losing his cape and nearly his life. Since then, he had learned their signs and places, where in the sewers to avoid, what times they slept. In time, he became comfortable going further into the sewers, planning more dangerous expeditions and expanding the map of the place he held in his mind. Today had been a particularly good day. Begging had earned him an entire silver, and the baker's daughter had spared him a loaf that wasn't even very moldy. She was one of those rare, kind people. With a full belly and feeling emboldened, Slippy was determined to explore deeper into the sewers than he ever had before. He passed through the familiar tunnels and intersections, light pouring in from the street above. The sounds of the day were muted, held at a safe distance. Most people above were aware of the sewers, but Amuun was an old city. The network of tunnels extended much deeper and wider than most citizens suspected. Slippy found a shaft that extended downwards, into a deeper darkness. He lowered himself into the hole, dropping down slowly to avoid making noise. Sound carried well down here. He felt his way down this new tunnel, knowing that lighting a match in this strange and pungent air could have a terrible consequence. Committing each turn and length of the tunnels he passed through to memory, he pushed through the dark. Once you get past the fear of darkness, what remains is only blissful unknowing. His entirety was concerned with each second that passed. He didn't think ahead to the next, or dwell on the previous, but experienced the present blackness as he was being consumed by it. It was careless and peaceful. He came into a chamber illuminated by a small ray of light, which betrayed just how far underground Slippy was. In the center of the chamber a small tree had erupted, allowed by the ray of light and kicking up a number of displaced bricks around it. It was no lost civilization or dragon's hoard, but it might as well have been to a boy looking for something to find. He knelt down beside the small tree, admiring its tenacity. He was learning that things lived beneath the earth and had their own places.

Satisfied with this finding, he turned back into the darkness of the tunnel. He again felt his way through. Left... Right... Right... The tip of his foot hit an unfamiliar surface. Surprised, he felt around in front of him. He had hit a brick wall, where there shouldn't have been one. Once again, the ancient, primordial panic of being lost in darkness washed over him. He must have taken a wrong turn— but he was so careful! How could he have made a mistake? For a while, he stood paralyzed. He became aware of how real the possibility of dying here was. The boy sobbed in the darkness. With a final sniffle, he collected himself, and began to feel his way through the darkness again, trying to backtrack to the chamber with the small tree. Perhaps he could climb up to the source of the light. But it was as if the entire network of tunnels had changed. He was unable to find anything familiar. The cold, wet air became dry. The rough stones of the sewer walls ended abruptly at some point, being replaced by smaller bricks with sharper edges. Slippy was no longer sure that he was in the sewers anymore. He turned a corner, and saw orange light peeking out from a crack at the bottom of the wall. As he quietly approached it, he recognized that it was coming from beneath a wooden door. Was it a way out? It certainly wasn't daylight, but any light was divine at this point. He spotted an iron handle and cautiously opened the door. Inside was a small room lined with shelves, with a large burlap sack sitting proudly in the center. A small wooden table held a lantern that gave off the orange light. Strange knick-knacks lined the shelves; large books written in strange languages, idols from other lands, dice, bottled multi-coloured liquids, and more than a few knives. Seeing that there was no staircase leading to the surface, Slippy's heart sank. But that disappointment was quickly distracted by curiosity. What was this place doing down here? He approached the burlap sack in the middle of the room and tugged it open. His jaw went slack. Inside were more gold coins and jewels than he had ever seen in his life, nearly filling the sack completely. Without thinking, he grabbed a fistful of coins and shoved them into his cloak pocket. Thoughts of warm meals and warm beds filled his head. He could buy boots without holes in them, or a new cape. He could buy bread from the baker's daughter instead of begging for it. A blue coin caught his eye. Nearly the size of his hand, it was in the shape of a crescent moon and had a number of ‘X’ marks that had clearly been etched into its face. He flipped it over in his hand and saw that the other side had a tiny inscription along its edge: I'll take a gold and leave a penny, maybe two if I take twenty, but if a fellow has more than plenty, I'll be sure not to leave him any! It was funny and simple, like a children's rhyme. He may have even heard one of the other poor kids sing it before; it had that ring of familiarity. He noticed something red and wet on the crescent's pointed end. He recognized it as blood, but how did he not notice it immediately? There was more of it on his hand, and it was pooling in a red puddle on the floor. Only then did he begin to feel the sharp line of pain along his neck, just beneath the chin. Somewhere beneath the shock of sensation and realization, his vision blackened and his legs gave out.

Slippy awoke in a bed in a dark room. The air tasted wet and cold. A drip, drip, drip sound assured him that he was still underground. He weakly felt his pocket and found it was empty. Cloth was wrapped tightly around his neck. “Don't move your neck if you can help it,” said a gruff voice in the darkness. Slippy almost turned to face the voice, then having heard the warning thought better of it. Looking with only his eyes he saw a cloaked man, lit by a lantern on the bedside table. Under the hood, the man's face seemed to be wrapped in cloth, or maybe bandages. In a similarly wrapped hand, he held a knife by the blade, playing with it idly. It danced between his fingers, almost as if it was acting on its own- it was oddly mesmerizing. “Who?...” Slippy croaked, unable to get out the rest of his question. It hurt to speak. “Your throat will heal.” Said the man. “Probably. Sorry about that, but you were touching things that you really shouldn't. Thieves hate to be stolen from, you know...” he chided. “I'd ask how you found my hideout, but I'm pretty sure I already have a good idea. The tunnels down here sometimes change... You see, they never take you where you want to go, which makes them a very good hiding place if you don't want to be found. The only way to find that room is to do so by accident.” The man leaned in closer. Slippy could see his eyes narrow as if inspecting something. “You must be a beggar boy. But you're a poor thief, between the sobbing and the way you shuffle your feet... Then again, so was I when I started out...” A heavy pause filled the air. The man seemed to be holding words in his mouth. Then after consideration, carefully let them into the air.

“Under the moonlight they make their crusade those baneful youth, bless them they are children of the derelict and dying but the progeny of kings for this is a wicked seed that the holy have sown

a deliciously sharp irony for seeds, I say, are meant to be grown.”

It would be difficult to guess from within the city’s walls, but Amuun's countryside in summertime was beautiful. The hot air had a similar effect to a slow, lulling song played on the harp. It was a time for thinking sweet and selfish thoughts. Slippy sat under a plum tree outside the city limits, feeling and turning a scone in his hand. He enjoyed the crumbling texture. It was another gift from the baker's girl. She was always good to the street urchins, but Slippy secretly and stupidly hoped that this gift was something other than generosity... “You have a look of desire in your eye.” Said the sewer-man. Slippy jumped. Sewer-man (as Slippy had begun calling him,) had approached in complete silence. It was one thing to hide in darkness, with the shadows swallowing you and masking your presence. Could the same really be done in daylight? Sewer-man had shed his cloak for this hot summer day, but he retained the cloth wrappings which covered nearly his entire body. Bits of golden hair slipped through the bandages around his head. He couldn't be nearly as old as he sounded. From a distance though, he simply looked as if he was damned to some terrible illness. “You're late.” Said Slippy, aware of his cheeks becoming a shade of red. Sewer-man didn't allow the change of subject. “Desire is good. A thief without desire is like an artist without a muse.” A tone of amusement lay beneath his words. “You want something you cannot have.” Slippy frowned. This probing was irritating. “What I want is to learn blades!” He demanded awkwardly, resolving to stop this conversation at once. Since he had seen Sewer-man flipping the small knife in that dark room when they first met, he had become transfixed by that skill. Sewer-man snorted through his bandages. “Blades... Blades are hardly a thief's first weapon. Silence, darkness, nimble hands, empty words of sweetness...” His words trailed off. He often stopped mid-sentence and it seemed as though his mind had moved to some other thought entirely. “Alright.” He conceded, “I'm in a good mood, so I'll teach you some blades today.” Sewer-man had already taught Slippy how to hide in a good shadow, make his voice sound like another's, and how to read letters. He retrieved something from his bag. “Here, take this.” He said, holding out a small silver needle. “This isn't a blade!” Protested Slippy. “It's got a pointy end, doesn't it?” Said Sewer-Man. “That should be enough for someone your size.” He laughed, “You are only a boy, and so you do not know, that a blade can’t destroy if there’s no place to stow. A bee has its flower, and a clock points the hour.” Slippy crumpled his mouth. “Say what you really mean, for once!” “I mean what I said, but I’ll put it in simpler terms. That needle is just as useful as a knife, if you know the right places to put it.” He said. He pulled another item from the bag, a chest small enough to hold in one hand. It was cubic in shape and looked to be made completely from iron. “For a thief, the world is a world of doors and keys. That which you desire is behind a door, and everything else is a possible key. It is only a matter of finding the right fit. When you can unlock this little door with that needle, I'll give you a bigger needle and a bigger door... And eventually I will give you a blade. But in time, that little needle in your hands will open any door. Any treasure, anything you desire, will be only within a needle's reach of you. That is what it means to be in our profession- to hold the keys in a world of doors, and open them as you please.”

This is my article for Blogvember! Notevember? Noahvember? This is my article for Noahvember. It’s obviously a fiction piece, and it's one I’ve had kicking around for a long time, unfinished probably over a year.

As readers we love to read fiction, but as writers, we loathe it. This is because writing fiction is very, very fucking hard. Presenting ideas in a clear fashion is easy, but trying to present ideas with subtlety takes true precision and consideration. That’s probably why even this short story is really only a few vignettes from a pretty specific point in a young man’s life.

Poetry seems like the easier version of writing since the actual length of the work is usually very brief. It is pure emotion, without anchors.

Fiction and poetry when married together are a kind of sick indulgence- when you put them together you can sort of get away without totally doing one or the other, and the whole affair becomes much easier. Within the fiction, you can make a place for your poetry to live, and create a context. Within a context, a poem will likely just present itself. Likewise, a poem can carry the narrative payloads you just aren’t skilled enough to work into the story organically. Add some pictures to that, and we’re off to the races. It feels a bit like cheating, but I’ve already done the dark deed and there is no one who will stop me. There is no one who can stop me…

The drawings were the very last piece I did for this story, which I guess is the logical way to go about it. I realize after doing that, It would be so so fun to do the art for a text adventure game set underground. Just drawings of your items and vignettes of underground spaces. That would be super fun.

It shouldn’t surprise you that this is a backstory for a Dungeons and Dragons character who steals things professionally. When I was looking at my character’s sheet, I found that some of the techniques at his disposal were pretty sophisticated. With a wizard it is pretty straightforward where they learned their stuff; a wizard school, a tome, an apprenticeship. For the thief class, (which is common enough in these fantasy worlds to be its own class of character,) it's assumed that they learned these skills out of some necessity to steal things.

I guess that makes some sense, but I don’t totally buy it. At a certain point, you need instruction, or at least some model to base yourself on in order to become totally elite at any task. I believe that wholeheartedly. But, if you are a thief, your occupation is explicitly not allowed. A wizard, a warrior, or a cleric all have their place in society where they can find role models and conventional wisdom. The same seems less likely for thieves. While I appreciate the idea of a thieves' guild, it seems a bit out in the open for my taste. In this story, I imagine Slippy is being inducted into some kind of order, but one that is decentralized, almost to hardly exist at all. This order of thieves is a tradition, a culture, but not an association or group with a governing body.

The hardest part of all of this was the ending, which kept me stumped for a long time. In the end, I think just implying the rest of his journey is good enough. I really like Slippy, and I feel like I have a pretty good idea about what happens to him next, but if you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know that I have a hard time sticking to an idea. I’m erratic that way. Whenever a wheel starts turning, it kind of runs away from the currently turning wheel, and I have to choose which one to chase. This is the beginning of Slippy’s story, but nowhere close to the end. Whether I decide to check in on him again, we will have to see. For now, I'm onto other things.

Welcome back ladies and germs, to the Humble Purge. For those who need a reminder, the Humble Purge is a project I undertook last year, where I set out to play most of the unplayed games in my steam library, i.e. my backlog. I already wrote two articles about it, the first advertising the project, and the second reporting on it after completion. In total I devoted about 758h to it last year and played 110 games, which is quite a lot. Too many to tell you about in my articles (even in the indigestible second one that is an unnecessary 7300+ word), which is why I planned to release a couple articles devoted to the games played during this Purge. This first one is an Awards Article. Coasting off the popularity of the best awards show in the world, The Muggies (I started writing this a while ago 🙃), I thought I would talk about some games that were the best or the worst in some aspect.

Some things to remember from my backlog: I categorised everything, rated games on how excited I was to play them — I called that hype and rated it out of ten — and then gave games a score out of ten once I was done with them. I played games for a minimum of an hour.

We've already talked about the overall bests in my second article, so we'll have more fun categories here. Let's start with one such award that I alluded to in my second article:

Top of the Bell Curve Award 🔔

Sniper Elite 4 by Rebellion

Sniper elite, released in 2017 is a game where you play as a sniper (no way) and kill nazis (yippee). The game is divided into missions, with different maps and objectives for each. You can go stealth or guns blazing, although the latter option is definitely not how the game is intended to be played. And when you play how it's supposed to be played — scouting the map for enemies, for entrance points to your objective, laying down traps and waiting for sounds to cover your gun shots — it's really fun. It looks good, the gameplay loop is great, the movement and gunplay are improved from the third, the maps are well designed and fun to explore. They didn't spam enemies, which would have made the game tedious, and the AI is semi-competent once they have been alerted. While not alerted though, the AI has the IQ of a lukewarm oyster. The difficulty is well balanced in my opinion, and I would recommend the “Sniper Elite” one. It removes the aim assist, has gravity and wind affecting the bullets as well as less forgiving AI which make it challenging, but is generous with the autosaves and not frustrating at all. Making any shot without assistance, taking into account the wind, gravity, movement of the enemy and noise, is very rewarding. One of the great feature it has is online coop, which although I didn't partake, would have no doubt made the experience really fun. I played this for 15.5h and gave it a 9/10 in the end.

Now why did it win the Top of the Bell Curve Award (aka most average award)? Well, it's simply because, as detailed in my second article, the most common first letter for games I played in my backlog was an S, the average year for games in the backlog was 2017, on average the games had a steam score of 89% and metacritics of rating of 79, and the most common genre was the all-encompassing “Action” genre.

Sniper Elite not only fits the best amongst the games in this backlog (start with an 'S', was released in 2017, has a steam score of 91% and metacritics rating of 78 AND is an action game) but the best fit amongst all of the games that released in 2017.

Wet Firecracker Award 💦🧨

Doom 3 by Id Software

I think doom is cool. I read how Doom came to be in Masters of Doom by David Kushner, and it was really interesting to read about how visionary and technologically advanced it was, on top of having a humongous cultural impact. When the Doom reboot came out in 2016, it soon became one of my favourite shooters. Seeing that Doom 3 was in my backlog, I was naturally very excited to play it, an gave it a hype of 9/10. Doom 3 came out in 2005, eleven years after its last mainline predecessor and it is fair to say that it is a completely different game altogether. In my review, it garnered a 2/10.

Doom 3 really disappointed me. I was expecting Doom, but I got something more akin to no-great Dead Space 1. Played it for an hour and never looked back. I won't spend too long on this because I want to spread joy and positivity all around me (I'm just that kinda guy), but I really did not have fun playing Doom 3.

Why is it the wet firecracker of the backlog? Well, just like a wet firecracker, I expected it to be a banger 🧨💥, but it just flopped 🧨💦.

Gold Nugget Award 🪨🪙

Molek Syntez by Zachtronics

During my backlog, I discovered that I really like puzzle games. I completely get that they are not for everyone, but they are very satisfying to me, even if they often forgo a lot of aspects of video games that most people care about. On average, puzzle games in the backlog got a score 8/10 where the average for all games was closer to a 6.8/10. I did not know that I liked puzzle games though, and I originally only gave Molek Syntez, which came out in 2019, a hype of 5/10. What a little treat it was though. The purpose of the game is to fabricate various chemical compounds, using other molecules. Not all of your building-block molecules are 100% what you need thought, and you will need to transform them to suit your needs, before assembling them into your final product. You program little arms that can do various action and only move a certain way around your lab bench. It's really fun and it can be as easy or challenging as you make it out to be. You can brute force it and have 24 instructions per arm, using all the arms available, and need millions of cycle to create your product, or limit yourself to using as little instructions/arms as possible and optimising everything. Once you're done programming, you can hit play and see the arms making your target molecules (or not if you messed up). It's really fun, you have to take into account the usual rules that you've probably learned about in chemistry class, but it's pretty simple overall.

I played Molek Syntez at the beginning of my backlog for a total of 12.5h. I will a 100% get back into it to finish the extra puzzles, but at the time I felt like finishing the campaign was good enough for the project. I had a lot of fun though, and if you like puzzles and chemistry, you will like it too. (Actually maybe even if you hate chemistry as I do)

Gold nugget 🪨🪙 awards if for the game that I didn't think I would like, but ended up being one of my favourite.

Dogged Game Award 🐶

Guacamelee! 2 by Drinkbox Studios

While completing my backlog, within 10 minutes of playing a game, I would know if I was going to play it until I roll the credits, or just play it for a while, or only play it for an hour. I have never been more wrong than during my time with Guacamelee! 2. At first I thought I would only play it for an hour. After the hour had passed I kept playing it, but knew for sure I wouldn't play it for the ~9h required to clear the campaign. Then I rolled the credits. It's not as if I was only starting to get the hang of the backlog, as I played this in May as my 63rd game, roughly 57% through all the games. This little mexican game was just tenacious, it was dogged, and didn't let me put it down until I was done with it and it was done with me. It's a basic action platformer, and a very very soft metroidvania if you want to unlock everything. There is barely any backtracking involved if you just wanna finish the main campaign. After the corruption of the hero Salvador by his own mask, the “Mexiverse” is in peril. You play as a retired luchador, out for a last mission, to prevent the corrupted Salvador and his three assistants from collecting the three sacred relics (a tortilla chip, a molcajete and an avocado if my memory serves me right). Along your travels, you recover your former wrestling moves, and those are also used as ways to move around, allowing you to reach previously unattainable platforms/clearing obstacles. You can also transform into a chicken.

The platforming is very decent, and not super super tricky. You can switch between the world of the living and the dead which makes for some interesting platforming challenges sometimes. Some combats interrupt your progression, a nice occasion to test you new moves, but it's never frustrating as less than 2 waves of enemies have to be faced each time. Everything is a tad janky and unpolished, but it still works and adds charm to the game. The lore is pretty goofy, but it doesn't take itself too seriously so it's fine. The music is pretty catchy and a nice companion during the campaign. It's a good game overall, and wins the Dogged 🐶 game Award.

❓ Award

Paratopic by Arbitrary Metric

I was gonna start by saying that Paratopic is a game developed by Arbitrary Metric which came out in 2018, but it doesn't feel right to say that. It obviously is a game, but it is so far removed from any typical game that it feels like a disservice to call it that. It is a surrealist game, and I'll just leave my original review describe it:

wtf? Incredible artstyle, great sound design. Weird ass story, the way it is laid out is peculiar to say the least. The timeline is not linear and we jump from one character to another from past to future and vice versa without any transition. Very much a “just experience the game” game. Kinda feels like a weird dream/nightmare. I like trippy stuff and artsy movies and games; I liked this game.

That is very much a “video game as an art form” game. Its extended version will come out “soon” and I will play it for sure. For now, the game earns the ❓award.

Cranium 🧠 Award

Duskers by Misfits Attic

Duskers from 2016 is a game where you command vacuum cleaners. Ok it's actually drones, but they all look like roombas. It's also sort of a horror game. The main goal of the game is to traverse the galaxy, by salvaging abandoned ships along the way to fuel you. You can also find some scraps, pieces of technology and even other drones in there. When you arrive at a ship, you choose where to dock you vessel, and then you have to send your drones out. You'll have to power the ship that you are boarding, but you can only power certain sections at a time. You cannot operate anything that isn't powered. You have to manage access to room, with doors. Now you could just open every door you see and explore, however, there's usually a reason the ships are abandoned. Alien infestation, rogue drone, traps, radiation, vacuum... there is danger lurking in the shadows. The kicker — everything is only interactable via console commands on your end. Want to open/close a door? type “open/close [door name]“. Want to have a drone move to a room? type “navigate [name of drone] [name of room]“. There are two views, the main one being top down, where you cannot see anything specific, but have a global view of everything. The second is going into a drone directly, where you can see what it sees in front of it, and can also move it with wasd. You do lose the ability to see everything else though. Everything is slow and tense. Try typing anything in the console under pressure when shits hits the fan; it's very stressful. You have to plan carefully, but most of the time, still have to act without proper information. And I haven't even touched on most of the gameplay for this game.

So, what is the Cranium 🧠 award? Well it is simply the award for the most innovative and original gameplay. Sure console commands have been done before, but the combination of the two views, the gameplay loop, the tone of the game... it just mixes to become the most innovative thing I have played last year.

Wrench in the Works Award 🔧

Sekiro by FromSoftware

Sekiro is goated, and gameplay wise I think the best game not only in the soulslike genre but in the “dude/gal wielding a sword” genre in general. The combat is precise, calculated, balanced — it's perfect. The level design is great and the movement mechanics are dialled in. The setting is amazing, the enemies are well designed and the boss fights are *chef's kiss*. If you were to tell me that Sekiro is an objectively better game than Darks Souls III, my favourite game ever (also developed by FromSoftware) I would probably agree with you. It's easily one of the greatest game of all times.

Now let me take that thing out of my mouth and explain the Wrench in the Works 🔧 award: it's basically an award for something that detracted me from completing my backlog. For instance a game I had played before but replayed during the Humble Purge, and took time away from actually completing the project, like Sekiro. I replayed it after Spencer and Vivian mentioned they were going through it, and I just had to do a quick playthrough (which means completing the whole game with all the optional things). It was only around 40h though, which is equivalent in terms of time to... 32 of the games I played for the shortest time during the backlog. Oh well, I don't regret it, it was time well spent.

Conclusion

Well, we've talked about quite a few games, euhh like 7, but one isn't from the backlog so 6, which is 5% of the backlog. At this rhythm of an article per year, in 20 years we'll have talked about them all. I'm not planning on talking about them all, and only when inspiration strikes you can hope to get another Humble Purge Article. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this one, and as always:

Thank you for reading my logorrhea Eddie – Award winning author

Cleaning Windows

I cleaned some of my windows today. As a gazing-out-the-window enthusiast, I had noticed the accumulation of grime, and figured why not.

My understanding is that raindrops, snowflakes, and precipitation in general requires dust particles as nucleation sites, meaning that mouthing snow and rain involves eating sky dirt.

This dirt accumulates as the rain and snow terminates against the window. On first impressions, cleaning the window is a simple endeavour of applying soap, water, and rag followed by Windex™ and newspaper.

There was more than just dirt on the windows, and there was more than just the glass that needed cleaning.

Some of that shit was stuck on good, but it all succumbed in the end.

I recently published another video to my TouYube channel where I demonstrated some software bugs I was dealing with for my Minceraft mod.

TeamDman – SFM Bug Hunt

When I shared it with the community, multiple people were aghast at my window management

Caption: a screenshot from the video, me alt-tabbing between windows

So too were my windows dirty in real life, that I also battle with Windows in the digital realm. As above, so below.

I recently installed Omarchy on the computer in my living room whose purpose is to run Project+ after battling with Windows' unreliability on that machine.

Experiencing a tiling window manager (compositor?) for the first time was neat. Vaxry has done an awesome job with Hyprland.

Windows has virtual desktops, but there's a slow animation when switching between them (which can apparently be disabled).

Windows has not prioritized making a good experience of managing windows.

As I have iterated on my own software, I have learned many small lessons that have accumulated into a greater whole, just as motes of dirt in a rainstorm accumulate on a window.

These lessons stick around and affect my perception, but as I try to gather them all into one place, there are an uncountable amount that evade the collection process.

I remember watching a YouTube video that talks about how keeping your non-carpeted floors clean in your home helps keep the rest of your home clean.

The claim is that dirt is more attracted to a clean floor than a dirty one, therefore clean floors attract the dirt instead of that dirt coming to rest on surfaces more tedious to clean, which makes sense to me.

Goal: find the video Dataset: my latest Google Takeout export Result: inconclusive Nearest match: “Cleaning Just Got A LOT Easier”

...

Looks like my latest Google Takeout export for my watch history only goes back as far as 2024-12-11T04:27:09.268Z, where as previous exports go back to like 2017.

reeeee

New day new me.

The eyes are a window into the soul ~ Somebody

The AutocardAnywhere browser extension detects when webpages contain the name of a Magic: The Gathering card, adding a hover-preview of the card to the text on the webpage.

I looked into how it works once, and it was a giant regular expression.

One time while I was watching Netflix, I noticed that it was even working on the subtitles, which I found hilarious.

What if we put that browser extension, Wikipedia, and Baldur's Gate's “press h on anything to get more info”, Factorio's “alt to toggle previewing machine details” features into a blender?

We'd get something like Gwern's website I suppose.

There's a lot of hyperlinks and text decorations there. Websites are archived in a way that enables Gwern to create popup windows of the content at outlinks.

...

Got distracted on the site just now, tvtropes level of attention hazard.

I was sniped by an article about cats hunting humans, then one discussing the proposition that humans getting interested in videogames means they aren't getting interested in activities that would benefit humanity more.

Gwern then links to an interesting reply to the article on Twitter from @nearcyan holding their ground that videogames are indeed detracting, maintaining opposition to Gwern's direction that people are best in their niche with very low transfer value.

@nearcyan mentions ROBLOX, which I have a history with, so I suppose it is story time.

When I was a wee lad, I played ROBLOX a lot. ROBLOX is a game engine that uses Lua scripting as a sandbox to enable user-generated places.

A notable place was Heli-Wars: Desert Attack Place Wiki where you would get guns and vehicles and fight an opposing team. A few strategically placed scripts, bricks, and tools resulting in one of the most popular places at the time, now defunct.

Jacob Geller – How Can We Bear to Throw Anything Away?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_dark_age

While the places I visited are gone (or still exist but are now hard to rediscover), the memories of the experience is more readily accessible to me than the ability to re-experience the thing.

There was a genre of places called “Insert Wars”, where the place was configured by its owner to give everyone a copy of the “insert tool”, which empowers the bearer to spawn into the game any model from their collection. Adding models to your collection was a simple affair from the website; you click a big green “Get” button on models that other people have published.

This made the place a bit of a show-and-tell, where you and other players would spawn in outfits, weapons, vehicles, entire maps and just play around.

There were also “Script Builder” places, where the place listens to player chat events to let players perform remote code execution.

You could say

edit/a
workspace.Base.transparency = 1
exit/a
run/a

and make the ground under everyone's feet invisible.

The scripts being in the chat made it an interesting social experience. The character limit in the chat box was 200,000; most scripts did not cloud the chat too much.

Later, an update changed the chat input from being part of the C++ side of the client to being created using the Lua scriptable GUI elements, reducing its character length to 1,024 characters.

Naturally, people made and shared Java swing applications that would take your large script and break it into chunks and programmatically send the messages by manipulating the clipboard and keyboard.

Caption: The dismembered character of a player who just executed a script that breaks the joint of their character.

This let players interact with the world in an immediate feedback loop while surrounded by a community of other players to whom you can ask questions and show off to.

Swords, guns, midi players, wings that grant flight, capes using cloth simulations, there was a lot of interesting stuff.

Naturally, the problems caused by the scripts were also solved with scripts. Beyond using simple base/ and clear/ commands to restore the place to a default state, sometimes people would play an audio file on loop without a stop button, so you had to learn how to programmatically find the audio instance in the workspace and stop it with your own script.

I got pretty interested in the admin commands side of things. I created multiple generations of my admin commands script, each time iterating on how I registered new commands, parsed arguments, and generally interacted with a completely open-ended 3d scriptable multiplayer environment.

heal all players with elevated privileges

\heal\rank > 1

Nowadays, I have many strategies ready in my mind that I can employ when it comes time to create another command parser.

I created a Rust template to get me off the ground quickly for new projects, including a command parser and structured logging.

For creating a quick menu that calls other PowerShell scripts, fuzzy-finders like 🌸fzf and television make it easy to find the script you need when you need it.

# Action loop
while ($true) {
  # Prompt user to select an action
  $action = Get-ChildItem -Path actions `
    | Select-Object -ExpandProperty name `
    | Sort-Object -Descending `
    | fzf --prompt "Action: " --header "Select an action to run"
  if ([string]::IsNullOrWhiteSpace($action)) {
    break
  }

  # Run the selected action
  . ".\actions\$action"
  
  # Leave the action display on the screen for a moment
  # (the action loop clears it with fzf)
  pause
}

I was enthralled when I first learned about fzf, and since then I have been bundling fuzzy finders like fzf and nucleo into many of my apps.

For example, in my most recent video I use fuzzy finding to create a quick tool for focusing a window by name when I'm in a sea of open IntelliJ workspaces.

TeamDman – SFM Fancy Cable Fix

$all_windows = teamy-windows window list -o json | ConvertFrom-Json

$selected_window = $all_windows |
    Where-Object { $_.title -ne "" } |
    ForEach-Object { "$($_.hwnd) $($_.title)" } |
    fzf
if ($selected_window) {
    $selected_hwnd = $selected_window -split " " | Select-Object -First 1
    teamy-windows window focus $selected_hwnd
}

Sometimes, command line parsing appears where I don't expect it.

I was working on teamy-mft, my utility for reading from the NTFS master file table.

I was adding the teamy-mft sync command which is responsible for snapshotting the master file table for each drive using raw disk reads (an action that requires elevation) and saving it to a {driveletter}.mft file which could later be read without requiring elevation.

To perform actions requiring elevation when starting from a non-elevated context, we can spawn a new process and request it to be elevated with the User Account Control dialog.

However, this causes a problem: we ran the teamy-mft sync command from our terminal, but now this new elevated process brings its own terminal where it does its logging when we instead want it to use the existing terminal the user executed the original command in.

To solve this problem, Windows has the FreeConsole and AttachConsole functions we can use to destroy the new console and attach to the console belonging to the process that launched the elevated worker.

This whole shindig means that, when we run the teamy-mft sync command, the program does the following:

1. parses all the command line arguments
2. observes the absense of the --console-pid argument
3. matches the sync command and enters its handler method
4. loads the preference for where the .mft files should be saved
5. observes the current process is not elevated
6. runs an elevated copy of this process with the same arguments followed by --console-pid 123 where 123 is the id of the current process
7. waits for the elevated process to finish
8. exits with the exit code of the elevated process instead of proceeding

then the elevated process will:

1. parse all command line arguments
2. observe the presence of the --console-pid 123 argument
3. detach from its existing console if present
4. attach to the console using the provided process id
5. match the sync command and enters its handler method
6. loads the preference for where the .mft files should be saved
7. observes the current process is elevated
8. continues running the handler method...

Did you know that files in an NTFS file system can have multiple data streams? When you download a file using a browser, it saves some information about where you got the file from.

❯ get-content .\copyparty-sfx.py -Stream Zone.Identifier
[ZoneTransfer]
ZoneId=3
ReferrerUrl=https://github.com/9001/copyparty
HostUrl=https://release-assets.githubusercontent.com/github-production-release-asset/188700274/blahblahblah...

If you copy files between WSL and Windows, you may see abc.Zone.Identifier files appear, which is a way of avoiding data loss when moving files with multiple data streams between file systems.

Computers are annoying sometimes, here's a YouTube channel of a dude fixing farm equipment: https://www.youtube.com/@WatchWesWork

Honey, it's time for your yearly training article! We continue the chronicles of my training journey. Let's quickly recap everything, from the two previous articles, and try to make a little timeline:

Recap

As a teen I did a bit of working out, but my gym was literally 1h+ away by bus, or 20min by car, and I had no car and never anyone to take me so I didn't go super often. In uni, I was super busy the first year, but around St. Patty's in 2018 is when I started going to the gym regularly. This went even better in second year, as on top of the gym being an 10 min walk away from my house, the course load had diminished a bit. Late 2018, I started getting into powerlifting, and around April 2019 into arm-wrestling, joining the Kingston Krushers. Later that summer, I also did a bit of cheerleading with @Oncle, joining the Queen's varsity cheer team, until the beginning of the fall semester. Nothing notable happened in third year is what I wish I could say, but covid hit and I was forced to forego the gym in March 2020. After trying (and failing) to do stuff at home, I just stopped working out, and after a short depressive episode that lasted until 2022 I also stopped eating properly as well, and lost all my gains. This bring us to my first article from November 2023, Training Again. There, I detail how I started going to the gym again, in June 2023, and that I started bodybuilding, leaving behind the other disciplines I once practiced. I also laid my plan to bulk heavily, a bulk that I started in October 2023. Training Again was more of a little intro to what I was about to do. That article was followed by Training again Update in April 2024, which was the result of what I did in Training Again. You can learn in it that my bulk was successful, that I went from weighing 69kg to 81kg in 22 weeks, and had started a cut in March 2024. I also relate my then current training regiment, and the recent muscle tear in my back which prevented me from lifting heavy until March of that year. It's been more than a year, and I still have to update the chronicles on what happened since.

Here's a little timeline:

_{All in all, I only got ~3.5 years of solid training under my belt, and 2 years of consistent training is my longest training streak. I mean to break that.}

April 2024 to June 2025

The cut I had started in the previous article was fine, even if I had to end it early because it was taking a very heavy toll on my energy levels and my mental health. Nothing serious, but even after a not so busy day at work, I would be exhausted, and mentally, I was just not at my peak. I got very sloppy at the end and didn't really write anything down, so I'm going based of memory. I shed off a bunch of weight and probably settled at around 74-75kg. The first row of abs was visible, and my love handles had halved, so I think I was pretty successful. I did get super busy and wasn't that consistent with the gym starting June 2024. During that same year, I was also trying to finish my backlog, which is recounted in my articles: Clearing the Backlog: Humble Purge Part II & Cleared the Backlog?: Humble Purge Part II. October is when I really fell-off the gym, and probably went 5 times between then and June 2025. Although the backlog project ended in December, I started a second job in the new year so I didn't have that much more time. I also didn't really eat much because I wasn't training, so I went back down to 72kg.

That is the bottom of the valley though, and it only went up from there. In June 2025, I moved to a new house which I don't pay rent for, and which has a garage. The garage also houses a lot of my in-laws' restaurant's stuff, but I managed to clear a bit of space for a home gym. With the money I would have had to spend on rent, I built a simple home gym and started re-training again in June 2025.

Aside on the home Gym

I am working with limited space, so my home gym is just a half-rack that was on sale at costco, a powerbar that was on sale, an ez-bar that was on sale, a bench that was on sal— you know what just assume everything was on sale from this point on because it was— all from bells of steel, some adjustable dumbbells, some elastic bands, and 345lb of plates from northern fitness. The only things I was mindful about when picking all the equipment was obviously the price but also not buying anything from american companies.
It ain't much but it's honest work. My brother-in-law also got a treadmill in there, and there was punching bag in a corner of the garage already. Anyways, that's all that's available to me, so I have to do my exercise selection accordingly.

July – August 2025

In July I was mostly just getting back in the bath, getting the muscle memory, cardio and a bit of strength back. I also started using a workout logging app, Hevy, which makes it much easier to track my programs and progress. At the end of that month, I went back home to France for my mom's 60th, and trained with my brother a bit, who coincidentally also just built a home gym. A quick side note on my brother's insane workouts; he only trains for 3 exercises: squat, bench and deadlift. He only trains 2 exercises per workout and in a low rep-range, because he's going for strength. And because he's lifting heavy, he's also taking very long rests between sets. While I was there, he was doing 3 sets of 3-5 reps for each exercise. This is how you arrive at the mind-boggling total of 18 reps in one hour of training on the lower end. I joined him for two of his workout and I must admit, it was pretty fun. It also gave me my first brush with strength since I started retraining, and it was a welcomed one. Nothing fancy, on deadlifts I was able to do 115kg 3x3, squats 70kg 5x4 and bench 65kg 5x3. But at least it was clear now that the muscle tear in my back had fully healed, without any long lasting effect. (Other notable things about my brother: his garage only comprises a squat rack and two motorcycle, and he is doing the carnivore diet)

In August I kept getting back into the swing of things until the middle of the month, where I committed to bodybuilding and following my own program, at least until the end of the year (I didn't follow through on this, more on that later).

August – October 2025: Birth of the New Model

Now that I was refamiliarised with training, I was able to see what I wanted and set myself goal. My new program would have as a focus core, legs, chest and biceps. Core for much needed stability during heavier lifts. Legs because I enjoy training them, and because since my weight loss my pants fit too loosely. Biceps because I enjoy training them, and chest because it is small and weak. You can't have a plan that prioritises everything, as it would set you up for failure, so the rest: upper back, lats, triceps, shoulders, calves, forearms would have be on the back burner for me.

Learning from my previous programs that had 5-6 exercises per workouts, I knew I wanted to keep them short, and therefore would only train 4 exercises per sessions. I would also only have 4 workouts per week, making it easier to move things around if I needed to. The current scientific literature seems to indicate that around 6 set per muscle group per workout is optimal, with each muscle groups worked 2-3 times per week, and a minimum of 4 sets per muscles group per week to keep them growing, and as much as high 10s, low 20s if you are prioritising them. That's basically what I did and reached this split:

In the end, counting sets for secondary muscles as well (for instance a set of bench press will count as a full set for chest, and half a set for triceps and front delts) we get the following number of sets per muscle groups per week:

Quads: 9 | Hams: 10.5 | Glutes: 12 | Hip Flex: 9 | Erect: 9 | Upper Back: 6 | Lats: 6 | Traps: 7.5 | Biceps: 9 | Triceps: 6 | Front Delt: 12 | Side Delt: 6 | Rear Delt: 4.5 | Chest: 10.5 | Abs: 12 |

My priorities are being hit with 9-12 sets per week, and the others with ~6 sets per week.

For the progression, I kept it pretty simple either changing the reps or weight periodically. If during a workout, I feel like 8-12 reps of an exercise is starting to not get me to failure (not being able to fully complete the last rep of a set), I'll increase the weight. It's fine if I after adding weight I have to lower the reps, I'll just then progress by changing the reps at that higher weight. If I'm on the lower end of my rep range for an exercise, I'll increase the number of reps over time until I get to around 6-8 for compounds or 12-15 for accessories, and then increase the weight. Then the cycle begins anew.

I started this program on Aug 20th and everything was fine. I logged all my workout on Hevy. I made a lot of progress on weights and overall strength. I also got some size back. One thing that I underestimated however is how taxing only using free weights (i.e. only using barbells and dumbbells for my workouts as opposed to also having machines and cables) was gonna be. I was not blessed with big joints in my upper body, and my wrist, elbows and shoulders were starting to not feel awesome every time. My lower back was also kinda taking a beating. This is why instead of waiting for the end of the year to change program, I decided to cook up a new one sooner. The last session with the program above was Oct 15th, after 8 weeks. It's a bit on the shorter side, but I gotta look out for myself. Because of life and stuff, I averaged between 3-4 sessions a week instead of the full 4 ones during that time. What came after is perfection.

November onwards: Winter BAKI Training Arc

Although everybody knows you're not supposed to do it, I had to for this winter arc. Not looking at the science or at what's optimal, we were going completely based on primal vibes and lizard brain. November denotes the beginning of the ultra-busy and stressful period at work, so I wanted something nice and fun. Same setup, 4 sessions per week. This whole program is centered around two main session, with two other sessions to hit other areas of my body, to maintain my size. Those two main workouts are just 3 pairs of supersetted exercise.

A superset is two or more exercises that you do at the same time. For instance if you superset curls and squats, you would do one set of curl, immediately followed by a set of squat, and then you rest. After you start over with curls, then squats, then rest.

Anyways, let's look at what I cooked up:

Session 1: Biceps, Triceps, Shoulders _{exercises grouped together with colours are supersetted, and the numbers are the number of sets}

Session 2: Legs, Abs

Session 3: Biceps, Triceps, Shoulders

Session 4: Back, Abs

This is a super fun program to run, and not taxing or exhausting at all, even with only free weights. I go as hard as I can each session, but because I'm hitting smaller muscles, I recover super fast and I can workout three days in a row without issues if I want. My arms and shoulders are gonna get massive come March, which is probably when I'll move back to a more conventional program. I gotta be honest, having such a stupid but fun program is huge with motivation. As I get busier and busier it's hard to find the will to workout sometimes, so being able to look forward to go “caveman lift rock to make arms big” is helping.

Dieting: Bodyweight Yo-yo

Something that goes hand in hand with training is diet. Your diet supports your training, so I had to make a couple of changes from my freeform eating. Let's go back to August 2025: when I started retraining, I still had a bit of love handles and obscured abs. For this new retraining, I wanted to start on a fresh slate, and therefore decided to get rid of a bit of fat. But I didn't want to do a classic cut, because as I described above, it didn't really fit my lifestyle and wouldn't be viable in the long run. It also would hamper my early progress. So I settled on mainlosing, the opposite of maingaining.

Maintaining is not gaining weight and not losing weight, maingaining is gaining weight — or buking — really really slowly, and main-losing is losing weight — or cutting — really really slowly. Main-losing is not a word or a concept in current gym culture, but it should be as it only makes sense, so I'm coining the term here.

I was eating around 1900-2000cals per day and trying to get around 1.4g of protein per day per kg of body mass, or about 100g. I recorded everything this time around:

I didn't want to be cutting for too long, only until my abs were visible and love handles mostly dealt with. I started at 72.3kg and slowly made my way down to 69.6kg over 4 weeks, with the cut ending on Sept 14th.

Now that the cut was done, it was time for a bulk, which goes hand in hand with the winter arc. Bulking has always been an issue for me, so I enlisted the help of Macrofactor, an app that allows you to track everything you eat, your weight and macros, as well as telling you how much you should eat for whatever weight goal you have. My goal would be to get back to 75kg, but I didn't want to just gain all my fat back, so I would be maingaining, which if you remember the above, is gaining weight really slowly. Well I think I was fairly successful as I only gained one kilogram in two month:

The dark purple line is my measured weight, the weight on the scale I enter every morning, and the light purple line is my extrapolated “real” weight according to the app. At least with macrofactor I don't have to bother making graphs

Conclusion and to the future

Well, that's it folks. This time around, with a home gym, it is harder for me to fall off training again, but I still gotta be careful. If I do fall off again though, I'll just get back up and have at it again. Again, again. I have many things to look forward to in the near future however: my in-laws will remove a bunch of their stuff from the garage and my gym will triple in size. I can't wait to have a ton of space to work with, and choosing what other training implements to get, and how to arrange everything. The priority will be a decent rowing machine, and maybe a cable machine/rack cable attachment. I'm doing fine with what I have though, so I'm in no hurry to get anything else. Another thing I'm looking forward to is to be back at a higher weight, and have bigger muscles. Not sure if I'll reach 75kg by the next article, or if I won't keep going higher. Guess my 2026 article will tell you all you need to know then.

Here's to a hundred more yearly training article.

Thank you for reading my logorrhea Eddie – Award winning author

I feel like I've read all month, but I've read so little in total... Katabasis was way too drawn out, it took me off balance. Return to form next month maybe.

Let The Right One in – John Ajvide Lindqvist

Oskar is not doing too hot. As a 12 year old boy in a shitty swedish town known as Blackeberg and constantly bullied, he doesn't have many, if any friends. Comes Eli, a girl his age that lives in the same residential tower as him. She is a weird one though, and doesn't seem to be able to hang out most of the time, and never at night. At the same time as they get to know each other, everybody is on edge in Blackeberg, as the body of a murdered teenager was recently found, completely emptied of blood.

This is not the first “horror” book that I have read, but it's the first one that showed me that doing horror in a book format is possible. The other ones I have read were relying on plot twists, gross description or even jumpscares, which really don't work in printed medium. The authors presents us a very grim swedish setting, full of the worst things imaginable, while at the same time not feeling caricatural. There are some very disturbing scenes, that don't just rely on terrible things happening, but more so on how they happen, while giving enough space to the reader to fill in more. The pacing and writing was also great, and I really flew through everything, it felt like the shortest 500 pages book I've read. The authors' character work is very impressive, not in how intricate it is, but how within a paragraph, you'll get the sense that you're reading about the thoughts of a real person, and seeing the world through their eyes.

Katabasis – R.F. Kuang (Chapters 12 – end)

A full article with an edited breakdown of my notes per chapter will be released before the end of the year.

All Systems Red – Martha Wells

I re-read All Systems Red, which I had read in September, to wash the taste of Katabasis out of my mouth. We also watched the TV show with Tetyana, and there are some departures from the novel. Since I've already talked about All Systems Red before, I'll be comparing the show and novel here.

First of all, while the book is extremely short, 160 pages, Apple somehow managed to make a 10 episode series out of it. I think a mini series of 5ish episodes might have been better suited to the original material. There needed to be quite a bit of padding to fill those episodes, even if they're on the short side. There was a lot of work to be done and material to be created, as the novel has pretty one-dimensional characters, and since the main protagonist is very apathetic and we're seeing everything through its POV. I really didn't like what they did with the scientist characters. Where they were capable and level headed in the novel, if a bit naïve because they don't come from a system ruled by the exploitative hyper-capitalistic Company, in the show they were transformed into a bunch of weirdo hippies. They have weird rituals were they hold hands an hum, have contracts to form polycules, dress like ass, make shitty music by banging on random stuff and dancing horribly to it. I really dislike the subtext that the people outside of the ultra-capitalist society must be a bunch of ultra-woke hippy weirdoes. They are also unsufferable which completely makes the very last sentence of the book, and tv show as well, make no sense. It also weakens one major theme of the book which is that Murderbot is not a human, and doesn't want to be. The first 10min of the first episode were also reddit-cringe. I did love however how they expanded on “The Rise and Fall Sanctuary Moon”, which is the fictional shitty TV show that Murderbot binges. It's just the right tone, and exactly how I imagined it. Little bémol is that in the show, Murderbot literally quotes directly from it to other humans, which is a pretty stupid thing to do as human would potentially have seen it (and they have). The extra “memory wipe” plot, created specifically for the show, was alright. The show toes a weird line between staying faithful to the original material, by having a bunch of monologue sections play word for word, and creating some additional original material to fill the time. The extra friction plotline between the Company and the Free Society Something is good, especially the added Gurathin back story, but it is at odds with the Free Society Something hippy characterisation. They also at the same time turned Gurathin into a pillow sniffing weirdo.

The new stuff is a mixed bag, but with the original material, overall we get a decent to good show.

Not a lot this month, and probably still not a lot next month as I'll spend most of my free time writing for blogvember/notevember.

Thank you for reading my logorrhea Eddie – Award winning author

They were only 2 outs away...

Heartbreak hit Toronto this postseason, with the Blue Jays being 2 outs away from a World Series victory. They would eventually fall short in 11 innings vs the Dodgers. Like last year I am going to attempt to predict and advocate for the free agency signings I think Toronto should make for the 2026 season. I only got Jeff Hoffman's prediction correct, and look how that ended up... Last year the payroll was at around 250 million. With a deep postseason run, we can assume that the organization will be more than happy to spend again to strengthen some weaker spots on the roster.

I will be using the same websites I used last year, but I will provide a quick summary of what they are.

SPOTRAC: evaluates player contracts and estimates player market value FANGRAPHS: provides in depth breakdowns of teams and their rosters, also gives projections and evaluations.

I also used Options and WAR last year, so to explain those briefly: a Player Option is a hypothetical extra year the player can opt in or out of, and a Team Option is the inverse, where the team can opt in or out of an extra year.

WAR (Wins above replacement) is a general rating of a players performance. 1 WAR is replacement level, and anything above or below is how comparable they are to a replacement level player (low cost, low output). Like last year, there will be a “cheap, average, and lucrative” option for each, unless there is no need to improve a position.

I also want to explain the Rule 5 draft, as I mention that a few times as well. If a player spends 4-5 season in the minor leagues after being drafted and has yet to debut, they are eligible for the Rule 5 draft, put in place to prevent prospect hoarding. If a team adds that player to the 40 man roster, this removes them from eligibility. The draft is ranked by worst to first.

TEAM BREAKDOWN/WISHLIST ——————————————————————

CATCHER: Alejandro Kirk, Tyler Heinemen, Phil Clarke & Brandon Valenzuela

We have our catcher. After batting close to .300 the entire season, Captain Kirk is a clear starting catcher option for the foreseeable future. After signing a 5 year extension last offseason, Kirk proved himself as a star catcher both offensively and defensively. The backup, Tyler Heinemen, proved to be a suitable backup to Kirk, and will continue to give Kirk an off day every now and then. Only playing in 64 games last season, Heinemen put up a .289 average and a 2 WAR season, meaning he provided 2 more wins than replacement level. Going in to his age 35 season, and with two catchers Rule 5 eligible, they might be added to the 40 man roster and be in a position to take his spot. Of the two, Phil Clarke played better last season and is older at 27.

Because Alejandro Kirk is established as a star catcher, there is no need to sign anyone in free agency. (I love you kirky)

SUMMARY: Keep Kirk, Heinemen might be aging out of a roster spot

FIRST BASE: Vlad Jr.

Like with catcher, Vladdy is here to stay. Signing a massive 500 million dollar deal last offseason that sets him as a Blue Jay for life, he is an established star that will play every day barring injury. Putting in a record performance in the offseason, he is the clear face of the Blue Jays going forward. The Blue Jays traded for Ty France at the 2025 trade deadline to allow Vladdy to DH some days as a half rest day, and I think the Jays might sign a cheap player to do the same. Currently the Jays don't have someone on the roster who can fill this role, so I believe free agency is the best option.

Cheap: Dominic Smith

Once thought of to be the future of the New York Mets in the late 2010s and 2020s, Dominic Smith hasn't had the career he was projected to have. Drafted in the first round of the 2013 draft and debuting in 2017, he has a career WAR of .3. Ironically, this last season was one of his best, putting up a .4 WAR and batting .284 in 63 games, while getting paid under 1 million. As a lefty bat with decent power, I think he can be a good bench option whenever they need someone at first for 2026. After making <1 million last season and putting in decent numbers in limited playing time, I think a 1 year contract for 1.5 million is a good cheap bench option.

Average: Justin Turner

With the breakout year for Cubs first baseman Michael Busch, Justin Turner's mutual option for 2026 will most likely be declined. A veteran infielder who played 1 year for the jays in 2024, Turner would be a decent bench player that could play 1st or 3rd in 2026. His mutual option is valued at 10 million, but as a 40 year old infielder who only bat .219 with 3 home runs, I think a 1 year, 8 million dollar contract would be a good option for an aging veteran with little offensive output.

Because Vladdy is the starting first baseman, there is no need to put in an expensive option.

SUMMARY: Vladdy is the starter Dominic Smith – 1yr, 1.5 million Justin Turner – 1 yr, 8 million

SECOND BASE: Andres Gimenez, Ernie Clement, Davis Schneider

Last offseason Toronto traded Spencer Horwitz for Andres Gimenez, and took on his contract. Under contract until 2029 with a club option for 2030, Gimenez seems to be the clear choice for second base for the years to come. Only playing in 94 games in 2025, it is unsure what kind of player he will be through a full season. Known for his defense, he played to around a 5 WAR his last 3 full seasons, all with Cleveland. Signed by the Mets as a shortstop, he returned to his original position in the playoffs while Bo Bichette was injured. Ernie Clement is set to earn 3.5 million in arbitration for the 2026 season, seeing a big pay raise after his historical, record setting performance in the postseason this year. Playing 140 games in 2025, he has established himself as a good contact hitter that can play all around the infield. Playing alot of third, he could be set as the starting third baseman for the future. Davis Schneider seems comfortable in his super utility role, playing everywhere in the infield and outfield. When needed he can play 2nd base but has had more playing time in LF.

With Andres Gimenez set in his starting role, and with Ernie Clement and Davis Schneider further establishing themselves last season, the 2nd base position is well under control and there is no need to sign anyone in free agency.

SUMMARY: Gimenez is the starter Ernie Clement when needed Davis Schneider when needed

THIRD BASE: Ernie Clement, Addison Barger, Davis Schneider

Perhaps a question mark to begin last season, the emergence of Ernie Clement and Addison Barger as every day players have seemingly solidified the 3rd base position. With George Springer getting banged up a few times during the season, Barger played many games in RF, allowing Ernie to pickup more games as the starting 3rd baseman, and I can see this being the setup for 2026 as well. With Springer potentially entering his final year as a Blue Jay, Barger may receive even more playing time in RF to set him up as the everyday guy for the future, but right now his primary position is still 3rd base. Schneider can also pick up some starts at 3rd as the super utility.

Ernie Clement played alot of third base last season, and established himself as a playoff performer setting the new hit record in a postseason. Because of this, he will most likely be the primary option for the Blue Jays, unless they want to sign a big name in free agency.

Expensive: Munetaka Murakami

At only 26 years old, Japanese third baseman Munetaka Murakami is set to make his way to the MLB for the 2026 season. Putting up a .286 average with 24 homers last season, and close to 300 homers in 9 seasons (he hit 56 in 2022 alone), Murakami is the next in a long line of Japanese stars moving to the MLB. After missing out on Ohtani and Sasaki, and with money to spend after a deep playoff run, Murakami could be an option to add more power to the Blue Jays lineup. Not including the “finders fee” MLB teams must pay to the NPB team that posts the player, Murakami is projected to get anywhere from 150-250 million from potential suitors. If the Blue Jays somehow cannot re sign Bo Bichette, Gimenez could move to shortstop, Ernie to 2nd, and slot in Murakami at third, occasionally DHing. Only 26, I think a 7 year, 200 million dollar contract adds a big power bat to an already strong offense, and with hitting coach David Popkins turning the Blue Jays into an offensive powerhouse in 2025, could work his magic on Murakami, turning him into the next big thing.

SUMMARY: Ernie Clement is the starter Munetaka Murakami – 7yr, 200 million if the Jays want to add a big star

SHORTSTOP: Bo Bichette? Andres Gimenez

Bo Bichette returned to form in 2025, batting at or above .300 for most of the season, leading the league in hits. Suffering an injury at the end of the regular season, he didn't come back until the World Series, putting in some highlight performances there as well. Currently a free agent, and presumably with a high asking price after this return to his star level, there is a future where Bo Bichette is not a Toronto Blue Jay. That being said, I think the best option is for the Blue Jays to pay the man what he has earned. If for some reason he does not re sign with the Blue Jays, Andres Gimenez has shown that he can shift over to shortstop and Ernie to second, opening up third base for a signing like Murakami.

Cheap: Andres Gimenez

Showing he can move to shortstop and put in solid defense, the Jays could use what they have and not re sign Bichette, lowering the offensive output significantly but the price tag as well. Gimenez played shortstop for the entire postseason, with Bichette moving to second base due to injury. There is also a scenario where they re sign Bichette but keep this setup, having Bo be the everyday 2nd baseman.

Expensive: Bo Bichette

Like Vladdy, Bo Bichette is a Blue Jay through and through. To picture an infield with only one of the two seems wrong, and Bichette has put in the numbers to warrant a hefty contract. At age 28, he will most likely be asking for his “final contract”, putting him as a Blue Jay for life. Because of this, I think a 7 year, 200 million dollar contract, same as Murakami, allows Blue Jay fans to exhale, knowing Vlad and Bo are Jays for life.

SUMMARY: Andres Gimenez shifts to shortstop Bo Bichette – 7yr 200 million

OUTFIELDERS: George Springer, Daulton Varsho, Nathan Lukes, Joey Loperfido, Anthony Santander, Addison Barger

Spending most of the season injured, Daulton Varsho allowed for players like Nathan Lukes and Addison Barger to receive regular playing time in the outfield, which benefited the team greatly. They further developed into starting players, and in Barger's case, a star. I think the outfield is set, and with Santander coming back and hopefully playing a full season, these 6 names are all that you need. Springer in LF, Varsho in CF, Barger in RF, with Santander at DH and Lukes and Loperfido coming off the bench, and George moving to DH for one of them to play LF if Santander continues his struggles at the plate.

SUMMARY: You have your outfield, love it. Cherish it.

DESIGNATED HITTER: The Jays signed fat stupid Santander who was injured the entire year and did nothing when he actually played. Hopefully he is healthy and productive, as that was the first of 5 year contract.

SUMMARY: Start praying

STARTING ROTATION: Kevin Gausman, Trey Yesavage, Shane Bieber, Eric Lauer, Jose Berrios

Trey Yesavage showed that he is the future ace of the Toronto Blue Jays in the 2025 playoffs, securing him an opening day roster spot. He did phenomenal against the best teams in the league, and is an easy #2 starter for the Blue Jays. Shane Bieber opted in to his 2026 player option, putting him in the starting rotation for a full season of work. Lefty Eric Lauer was great in whatever role you put him in, and put up good numbers in the postseason. The biggest question mark right now is Jose Berrios, who was relegated to the bullpen after poor performance and his first big injury in his career. Still starting in 30 games however, he is an established innings eater whose contract expires after 2028, but has a player option after 2026, but unless he pulls off an insane comeback season, he is most likely opting in. With the departure of Max Scherzer, there is an open spot in the rotation, allowing Eric Lauer to continue to be that dominant swing man out of the bullpen that can move back into the rotation if there are any injuries.

Cheap: Eric Lauer

The Blue Jays could use Eric Lauer as their sole lefty in the rotation, and he more than proved himself last season. He is set to earn 5.3 million in arbitration for the 2026 season, which is more than reasonable for a starting pitcher.

Average: Brandon Woodruff

Another righty, but after coming off from Tommy John and putting in limited work in 2025, Woodruff could be a solid Bieber-esque signing that provides a solid arm, albeit with a shaky injury history. He has only put in over 100 innings in 3 of his 8 seasons as a starting pitcher, but every season has been statistically good. He pitched 65 innings in 2025 to a 3.20 ERA (earned run average) and a <1 WHIP (walks+hits per innings pitched), and has always put in a positive WAR. He made just over 8 million in 2025, so I think a 2yr, 20 million dollar contract with a player option in the second year gives the Blue Jays another solid right hander in the rotation.

Expensive: Ranger Suarez

A mainstay of the Phillies rotation the last 6-7 years (don't say it), Ranger Suarez has proven himself to be a top lefty in the National League. Pitching at least 150 innings in 3 of the last 4 seasons, he is a solid lefty option for the Blue Jays rotation. He made 8 million in arbitration in 2025, but with Scott Boras being his agent, he will most likely be asking for 20mil/y. At 30 years old, I think a 5 year, 150 million dollar contract is still relatively cheap for a pitcher of his caliber and gives the Blue Jays a dominant lefty in their right heavy rotation.

SUMMARY: Eric Lauer – earning 5.3 million in arbitration Brandon Woodruff – 2yr, 20 million Ranger Suarez – 5yr, 150 million

BULLPEN: Jeff Hoffman, Yimi Garcia (forgot he existed), Louie Varland, Braydon Fisher, Brendon Little, Tommy Nance, Mason Fluharty, Yariel Rodriguez

Despite it's woes in the postseason, I do think the bullpen is in a good spot. Fluharty and Fisher proved themselves capable arms out of the bullpen, and with Yimi Garcia coming back from injury, this replaces the loss of Seranthony Dominguez. Jeff Hoffman was shaky in his first year as a full time closer, and ultimately would lose the World Series for the Blue Jays, giving up a homer to Miguel Rojas to tie the game in the bottom of the 9th, but I do think he will be dominant once again. That being said, there are a lot of intriguing free agents that can slot into the bullpen, taking the spot of a Yimi Garcia or Tommy Nance.

Cheap: Emilio Pagan

In his age 34 season, Emilio Pagan returned to his dominant numbers last seen in the 2023 season with the Twins, putting up a 2.88 ERA and racking up 32 saves with the Cincinnati Reds. Earning 8.2 million after opting in to his player option in 2025, he could be looking for a multiple year deal. I think a 2yr, 20 million dollar deal gives the Blue Jays a solid setup man for Hoffman.

Average: Devin Williams

After being traded from the Blue Jays to the Yankees in 2025, Devin Williams struggled mightily, putting up his worst numbers by far. Pitching to a 4.79 ERA in 62 innings, he was eventually removed from his closer role, despite previously being lights out in the years previous. I think his value is still relatively high, however, and after earning 8.6 million in arbitration in 2025, will be looking for a long term deal. I think a 4 year, 60 million dollar deal gives the Blue Jays another solid bullpen arm for the long term with a high ceiling, as I predict he returns to his dominant form in 2026.

Expensive: Edwin Diaz

After opting out of his contract this offseason, Edwin Diaz will most likely re sign with the Mets on a new deal, but if that not the case due to the Mets new GM being more frugal than previous ones, he could hit the open market. Opting out of the last 3 years of his 5 year, 102 million dollar contract signed in 2023, Diaz will most likely want a repeat of that contract after putting up solid numbers. 48 saves the last 2 season but shaky in 2024, I think his value will have dropped slightly. Still a top 5 closer in the league, I think a 5 year, 80 million dollar contract gives the Jays their dominant closer, pushing Hoffman back to his setup role where he previously flourished as part of the Phillies.

SUMMARY: Emilio Pagan – 2yr, 20 mil Devin Williams – 4yr, 60 mil Edwin Diaz – 5 year, 80 mil

As was the case last year, if even one of these happen I am once again the GOAT.

We're back, and it's a weirder one this month. For some reason everybody was releasing some “favourite reads of the year” videos, so I picked some stuff from a couple of reading youtubers. We have also some stuff that was on my reading backlog for a little while, and some more visual media.

Bluets – Maggie Nelson

A collection of poems, observations and little anecdote about the colour blue.

Could you call this vapid, pretentious, irrelevant? Yes. But I liked that use of paper. That's the best way I could describe my meaning in a sentence, but to be more verbose, I liked that it didn't limit itself to the common rules of what a novel, a book or even a collection of poems is. It's more writing as an art form than writing as a way to convey information. It's writing as a way not to convey meaning, but a vibe/state of mind. Amongst those two hundred or so paragraphs, are there some that didn't speak to me, or worse had me roll my eye at how serious it took itself? Sure, but the overall vibe of this little book was still engaging and interesting, it's definitely a “more than the sum of its parts” thing. I also liked that it was centred around a colour, which is pretty original from my point of view (the pov of someone who never reads anything experimental or any poetry).

I would definitely have liked it way less if I had read something similar, but it was the first time I was exposed to something like this. I liked it. If it becomes a trend to write like this however, it will get very tiring, very fast.

How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe – Charles Yu

I knew that someone recommended/just mentioned this book in the group chat but I couldn't remember who. After reading it, it had to be Harrison. Now why did I read it? Well, I'll read just about anything, I'll do bookclubs, group reads, buddy reads, recommended reads, I just like to read. I'll even read books I know I will most likely dislike (looking at you Katabasis by R.F. Kuang). Anyways, I read How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe.

This is more of a concept book, which I usually am not against, as long as they aren't too long, which this one wasn't. The pacing is a bit weird and the first third of the book is very slow and rambly. Well the whole book is very rambly to be frank, and even draws attention to that, and also about its very, very insisted upon metanarrative component. But pointing out and acknowledging that your writing is rambly and overly meta doesn't absolve it of those flaws. I also didn't really care for the pseudo-scientific manner in which he writes — everything is a vector, integralised over the [insert prefix]esimal concept with a sprinkle of theorems and greek letters, and don't forget your spacetime axis curves as well. It's very showy but also makes very little sense most of the time. Maybe because this is some wannabe physics, which is what I studied in uni, that it annoyed me more than it maybe should have. It also has a very silicon valley techbro vibe to it which doesn't help.

Even if the writing is a bit overbearing, I really liked the themes in the book, and especially the daddy issues portion. It showcases a very human dad, and the travel to the past introspection into the protagonist's relationship with is dad was great. And it goes a bit further than kid discovers dad is a human. The character of the mother was also briefly explored although their relationship not as much. Despite all the introspection, we end up knowing very little about the main character.

Overall, I thought this book was alright, it really struggles to find its footing in the beginning, and despite the sometimes obnoxious writing, it has some interesting things to say. The concept of time travel — this version of it at least — kinda went over my head, as it is very much based on english language stuff, and yours truly is only a poor immigrant for whom english is truly only a second language. I did like that it wasn't just the usual straight forward time travel, even if it was rambled about a bit too much.

Orbitals – Samantha Harvey's

The International Space Station (ISS) goes around the earth 16 times in a day. We follow the astronauts and cosmonauts habiting it around, and get into their head, following their thoughts and sometimes getting a glimpse of the people waiting for them below.

Amongst all the things I read, this felt like a breath of fresh air. How human it was. There is not real story to follow, it's more an etude of the human condition, and how we are a product of earth. With everything happening in space, we really get the sense that we are ill suited for it. This book was a kind of love letter to the earth and humankind. Very refreshing. The dialogs are very unstructured and the sentence construction sometimes a bit weird making it hard to follow but overall it's a great read. Despite the lack of story — as we just jump from one character to another, with everything happening in the span of a day, and with just mundane ISS stuff happening — it's never too vapid or inconsequential and random, as we get the typhoon and lunar mission red threads

The author reference omega's coaxial escapement in the most unsubtle way possible, she might be a watchhead. There was a banger of a line delivered by one of the cosmonauts, when one of the american astronauts has some difficulty answering question for a future press release:

”-With this new era of space travel, how are we writing the future of humanity? -With the gilded pens of billionaires, I guess”

All Systems Red – Martha Wells

Space exploration is upon us (as well as dystopian übercapitalism), but a SecUnit, a robot whose purpose is to protect people during various missions, doesn't give a shit. It only wants to watch TV, and at any possible opportunity, will do so. It's a highly irregular thing for a SecUnit, but this particular one, calling itself “Murderbot”, has managed to hack itself, freeing itself from the shackles of its governor module. When disaster strikes during one of the expedition, will Muderbot save the day, or decide to let everybody die, so it can finally watch TV in peace?

Very nice short book. While I have been known to be a 1000+ page monster enjoyer, I am slowly awakening to the treat that are novellas. It's interesting to be in the mind of a robot, and the fact that everything is in first person leaves the exposition to a minimum. Exposition dump is one of the major flaws of scifi imo, and it really makes the beginning of a lot of scifi novel drag. Not here, while we don't get a thorough grasp of the world, we get enough info to get by. There are a lot of characters we are introduced to at the beginning, and with my name-blindness, it made it a bit hard to follow sometimes, but it gets better. I really liked that there were a bunch of times where they were wondering if they were being sabotaged, or if stuff was actually breaking down — it is known that The Company provides only the cheapest and shittiest stuff to maximise profit margins. It was nothing super duper special, but it was a good novel with some great stuff in it, so I will read the next entries in the series

Katabasis – R.F. Kuang (Chapters 1 – 11 )

My thoughts on Katabasis are for sole ears of the people participating in the bookclub, until we are done with it.

Métal Hurlant – Many Authors

Volume 12 – H.P. Lovecraft — Murmures et Chuchotements

I am continuing to open my third eye to the visual medium. We are back with another Métal Hurlant, and only new stuff, centered around the theme of HP Lovecraft. While I can appreciate Lovecraftian settings, I have never read any of the novels or poured over anything because I'm just not that enamoured with it.
The drawings are all very good, and we have some very interesting original stuff, I especially liked one of the last BD which was entirely made out of paintings. On the story front whoever, a lot of stories are very one-note, with all of them being centered around an ending “plot twist” that is just what you would expect from a typical lovecraftian thing — a big monster comes out of a body of water and the story ends. This was the pitfall that a lot of shorter stories fell into. A bit of (unnaturally delivered) exposition, one weird thing happening, and then either you go directly to the ending “twist” or you get a couple more weird things before the twist. Some of the longer stories did do way more interesting, weird and original things with the setting though, have a lot more depth, and they were treats to read. But again, the drawings were all really well made, and it was truly a feast for the eyes.

Volume 4 – L'Homme est bien petit

Only old stuff in this one, and the quality just falls of a bit towards the end. Overall, I had the feeling that towards the end, some of the authors were just purposefully trying to confuse the reader at the expense of their story. Maybe it's because all those stories are almost 50 years old, but a lot of them just don't make sense, even in their own universe. The drawings are still great and we get some really interesting stuff, and the earlier stuff is really good.

Grappler BAKI – Keisuke Itagaki

Maximum Tournament – Chapters 277 – 290

They stopped yujiro with a net and some tranquiliser? the man that is supposed to rival the entire US army, to be unbeatable, was beaten by some sleepy juice and some net. nah

That's all folks, see you next month.

Thank you for reading my logorrhea Eddie – Award winning author

In 1928, Dr Harrison Martland, a retired Lt. Col. in the US army's medical services cum county pathologist for Essex County, New Jersey released a paper proposing a newly discovered form of dementia. He called this dementia 'punch-drunk syndrome' and claimed it was most likely a non-congenital variant of Parkinson's Disease. The name came from the vernacular of the subjects Dr Martland observed the disease in: a cohort of professional boxers, each with more than 50 fights. In the world of professional boxing, being 'punch-drunk' referred to the symptoms of disorientation, unsteady gait, tremors, memory issues, and mental fog one experienced as a result of a concussion. Dr Martland observed that a significant number of boxers exhibited permanent low-level concussion symptoms in constellation with emotional dysregulation, suicidal ideation, and poor impulse control. Martland proposed that the repeated traumatic brain injuries suffered by boxers during the course of a boxing match were causing persistent brain damage and inducing early-onset dementia in elite boxers, but did not bother evaluating athletes in other sports or the general population.

Until 1948, it was assumed that punch-drunk syndrome was a problem unique to explicit combat sports like boxing and that certain players were prone to the disease and others were effectively immune to it. The first of these myths was dispelled in 1949, when neurologist MacDonald Critchley released the paper “Punch-drunk syndromes: the chronic traumatic encephalopathy of boxers,” and the second in 2005 with Bennet Omalu's paper “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy in a national football league player.” As it turned out, any sufficient and repeated disturbance to the position of the brain in a person's skull causes the disease, by then renamed to the more neutral 'CTE.'

The development of CTE does not require, as Critchley and Martland believed, direct blows to the head nor are some people particularly resistant to it. The brain sits in your skull in more or less a pool of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). It is not secured in place in any way other than by connection to the spinal cord and small amounts of connective tissue. Any time your head snaps forward or back, the brain sloshes in place and risks damage against the hard surface of the skull's interior. This phenomenon is obvious when a concussion occurs, in which the brain strikes the surface of the skull hard enough to cause temporary disorientation, but it also happens pretty much any time you are struck hard enough on the head that it hurts, any time that you are brought to a sudden stop while moving very fast, and any time you are exposed to a shockwave (e.g. by proximity to a very loud noise or explosion). Whenever this happens, a few things occur that contribute to the risk of developing CTE. The first is ruptures in the very tiny blood vessels that lace your brain. The rupturing of these vessels damages nearby brain cells, often permanently destroying them. Secondly, the energy introduced by the blow causes the spontaneous misfolding of an important protein called the Tau protein. Tau proteins are critical to the healthy functioning of brain tissue, and the presence of misfolded tau proteins causes the breakdown of nearby brain cells. In patients with advanced CTE, disordered tau proteins accumulate on the surfaces of the brain and cause the brain to begin breaking down from the outside inward. It is important to note that this process is not determined by genetics, it is a matter of simple biochemistry. Anyone who sustains enough hits to the head can develop CTE, as there is no way to avoid the blood vessel ruptures or tau protein misfolds that cause the disease except by not being hit in the head.

Why didn't we notice CTE until 1928?

Everyone will experience the brain injuries responsible for CTE to various degrees throughout their life, however the threshold of ruptured brain blood vessels combined with the critical mass of misfolded tau proteins is very high. You would have to take thousands of sub-concussive blows to the head or suffer more than a few concussions before you would begin to feel symptoms of lower stages of the disease. This belies the reason for CTE's relatively recent discovery compared to the wider family of dementia. Simply put: men* were not getting hit in the head enough for any well-known person to have the disease until the professionalization of sports.

Before the 20th century, sport was not really a professional affair. There were few, if any, famous paid athletes. Many leagues, including the top level leagues in soccer, rugby, and gridiron football prohibited the direct payment of players. Instead, professional athletes relied entirely on endorsement deals and under-the-table compensation. Being a professional athlete before the 1920s was not a glamorous job, and athletes earned well below average salaries. The most popular sport in Canada and the United States during the 19th century – gridiron football – was played mainly at the collegiate level, with famous athletes graduating into normal jobs after brief careers. The NFL, which sanctioned direct payment of players, would not exist until 1920 and the Canadian Football leagues would not endorse professionalization until well into the 1940s (although by 1920 most successful clubs were paying their players anyway). Boxing, the sport in which CTE was first identified, did not professionalize until 1891.

The amount of trauma you would have to experience to develop severe CTE is so great that until sports was professionalized, the majority of athletes (but not necessarily all athletes, as we will discuss) were not playing long enough to develop it. With professionalization came optimization. Not only did the careers of contact sport athletes balloon in length with the creeping in of professionalization, but so did the intensity of athletic training. It wasn't just that sporting clubs and boxing gyms want to extract the greatest value from the athletes they were now paying, but the athletes themselves were increasingly personally and socially incentivized to sacrifice absolutely everything in pursuit of making it to the top. By the time the first NFL player was officially diagnosed with CTE during an autopsy in 2005, American Football had transitioned from a casual sport to a national lottery ticket. The implicit promise of professional sports is this: if you are genetically blessed and work hard enough, you will catapult your family to extreme heights of wealth. In a system as brutally unequal as ours, millions of people are going to try that path knowing they have no other way to escape the indignity of proletarianization, even if it means becoming mentally and physically disabled before age 30.

* I use the word 'men' here deliberately. In fact, a shocking number of non-athletic women develop CTE. Twice as many women suffer from CTE relative to men (5% of men vs 10% of women) due to head trauma sustained as a result of domestic violence. CTE is not a new phenomenon, measurement of it is.

CTE and Football

On July 29th, 2025 former high school football player Shane Tamura opened fire in an office building hosting the headquarters of the NFL before turning the gun on himself, shooting himself in the chest to preserve his brain for study. According to Tamura, he had played 4 years of football at the JV and Varsity levels as a running back*, which he believed at left him with severe CTE. He claimed that the NFL had deliberately curated the competitive environment in high school football that does not adequately inform children of the risks of football while doing nothing to mitigate the likelihood of traumatic brain injury. What makes Tamura's claims particularly resonant is not just that he was found to actually have CTE in a subsequent autopsy completed earlier this week, but that he is not the first NFL player to develop CTE and become homocidally violent. Most famously, New England Patriots Tight End Aaron Hernandez was convicted of murder, killed himself, and was found to have Stage 3 CTE at age 27 during his autopsy.

Tamura was both right and wrong. In truth, Tamura was unlucky. Football certainly dramatically increases your risks of CTE even at the high school level, but only 20% of former high school players who play for all 4 years of eligibility develop the disease, which is 4 times the level of the general population of men but is hardly a guaranteed outcome. He is correct, however, that he was probably not made aware of the risks and the NFL is at fault for that. The NFL is very involved in amateur football at all levels, and could easily mandate stricter education on risks and strict eligibility criteria such as the immediate ending of an amateur player's career after 1 concussion, e.g., but chooses not to. The NFL could discourage children from playing tackle football entirely as the CFL does – encouraging minors to play flag football instead, but doing so risks jeopardizing the future massive talent pool the NFL relies on to both sell tickets and maintain leverage over its players union (one of the weakest in American sports).

Unfortunately for the NFL, public knowledge of the risks that football poses to brain health has increased significantly since Omalu's case report in 2005, which does pose a risk to youth football. Informed parents are less likely to enroll their children in tackle football than before knowledge of CTE was common, and youth football enrollment has declined by ~6% in the US since the report was released.

* a position in gridiron football equivalent to a centre or fullback in rugby. Running backs are particularly vulnerable to injury, whether to the brain or otherwise. This is because of the specific role of the running back, who is tasked with punching the ball through the defensive line (one of the physically largest groups of players on the field), and the body type prioritized for the position (smaller players are typically put in this position due to their lower centre of gravity).

CTE and other sports

Sucks to be the NFL or whatever organization it is that is in charge of MMA nowadays, one supposes! As evidence mounts on how easy it is to get CTE from not just fighting but also football, it may appear that those sports are uniquely doomed. The NFL does not seem worried, though, and for good reason. The pendulum of evidence begins to swing in the other direction and all the NFL has to do is wait.

The reason why CTE was first noticed in boxing is that combat sports are uniquely violent. Football was the second sport to have a major crisis with CTE because it was simply next on the list of most violent sports, but as scientific interest in CTE has increased so has the evidence that the best athletes in basically every sport are getting it. The dam broke on this in 2020, when autopsies of Rugby and Australian Rules Football players found significant rates of CTE. Then, ice hockey, and even baseball and soccer were eventually found to significantly increase the risk of CTE. Football is bad for your brain, but not uniquely so. The NFL gambled that the whole CTE thing would blow over, and they are probably going to be proven right. As more and more sports are found to raise your risks of CTE, the risk sustained by football players will be washed away in a tide of noise. CTE, it turns out, has more to do with being a professional athlete than what sport that athlete happens to play, even if certain organizations have obfuscated the particular level of risk of their particular sport for their own benefits.

What should we be doing about CTE?

To be clear, I am not saying that football's risks are exaggerated in the aggregate. CTE is not the only potential risk from playing football. Famously, Calvin “Megatron” Johnson was left permanently unable to run after his retirement from the NFL, as he had sustained so many fractures in his lower legs that his ankles had fused from improper healing. All it takes is one bad play to be paralyzed or worse, even if you don't play long enough to raise your CTE risk. What I am saying, however, is that the specific threat of CTE will not kill football. You could make the argument that through their own actions, the NFL has caused thousands or even millions of people to suffer the effects of CTE and something should be done about this. But what?

The NFL's status as the world's most profitable sporting institution on Earth makes it nigh untouchable in the United States. Even attempts to regulate it without holding the NFL accountable for its role in all this are essentially impossible. Last year, the state legislature of California, the state in the union that is ruled by an unholy union of tech nerds and granola hippies and therefore should be the most amenable to shuttering football passed a bill restricting organized tackle football to people over the age of 12. The bill was vetoed and even if it hadn't been vetoed, it would've been swiftly struck down by the first court it was challenged in. I don't think there is anywhere in the United States with the political will to mandate a curtailment of the risks of American Football to the athletes who play it and I don't think any theoretical advocacy group would ever succeed in boosting that cause.

The fight to reduce the risk of CTE is further complicated by the fact that technically speaking, CTE can only be diagnosed in autopsy. Research is ongoing in making misfolded Tau proteins show up on PET scans, but as of now, there is no way to know if an amateur athlete needs to retire for the sake of their brain until they're already dead. Hopefully, the research advances on this to the point where conscientious athletes or their guardians can monitor their brain health and step out when the risks have become too great, but I'm not holding my breath (remember the economic incentives to ignore all this!)

Do not forget, though, that football is not the only game that gives you CTE. Even if football were to disappear from the Earth tomorrow, the only real answer to CTE is the end of professional sports itself. It was not sport as a past-time that has caused the rise of CTE in athletes, it is sports as a profession. The obsession with optimization and training incentivized by sports as the only realistic escape from grinding poverty for billions of people. Before the NFL and MMA and FIFA, people were playing street football, joining boxing gyms, and kicking soccer balls around in fields every once in a while without realistically risking CTE. Professionalization of sports is an inevitable result of capitalism. People enjoy playing and watching sports, thus it must be marketized and commodified. I leave you with the following advice: don't let your future kids play tackle football.

“Whatever,” to paraphrase Donald Trump, “I'll keep watching that garbage.”

Life management.

I have a buncha crap I use to keep on top of my goals.

Notes and calendars are for goal management.

Goal: I MUST attend to my contractual obligations.

I am contractually obligated to have my butt in a seat clicking buttons to make money. There are temporospatial components to this goal. If the completion criteria of the goal involves being at a specific place at a specific time, then the distance between here and there is mighty important.

Calendar event repeating logic; consider a meeting that happens every 2 weeks on Wednesday. There was a Rust project that parsed the strings used by iCal or whatever. I remember reading the article about it. How might I find that article again? TODO: insert link here.

If the distance between NOW() and GOAL() is GREATER THAN “2 minutes” THEN CANNOT RELY EXCLUSIVELY ON BRAIN. We MUST outsource partial responsibility for meeting this goal.

Alarms for waking up and recycling are permanent fixtures in my clock app. They repeat every week. When I toggle one of the alarms off, say, the 11:00 p.m. Recycling alarm that repeats every Sunday, the app gives me a button to “Turn back on for October 5” (it is currently 10:54 p.m. on September 28th.)

What is the output behaviour of these alarms?

The device manifests sound and vibrations at the designated time until acknowledged. This behaviour has a low failure rate for arresting operator attention and reducing the risk that a goal is missed.

Potential caveats to the ability of alarms to meet goals include:

• Accidentally frame-zero dismissing an alarm by tapping the screen during normal operation of the device and having the “dismiss” button appearing in the strike zone
• Triggering at an time where it is situationally inappropriate for the aggressive attention-seeking mechanisms; movie theaters, operating heavy machinery
• Dismissing an alarm when intending to snooze it instead
• Desensitization to alarms due to overuse
• Aggressive context-switching due to alarms where a softer reminder would have sufficed

If I am aiming to catch a bus, or am obligated to pick someone up at the airport, then alarms are preem for ensuring timely departure to meet such goals.

Calendars are suited for longer time horizon goals. If two goals have coinciding completion windows, then satisfying one goal may occlude the completion of another.

Calendars help track what time slots have already been allocated, making it easy to identify conflicts when scheduling other activities.

If you find yourself scheduling so many activities that manual allocation is growing tedious, such as organizing a sports league or allocating classrooms, then check out Prolog. – The Power of Prolog – School Timetabling with Prolog – https://www.metalevel.at/prolog/timetabling/

I use Google Calendar, which makes it easy to attach email reminders to my calendar events.

Google Calendars is also integrated with Google Tasks, which is a simple checkbox task tracker similar to the ye olde Apple Reminders app. These Tasks can have due dates assigned to them, have push notifications on my phone, appear in the calendar if a date is assigned, and can be set as recurring.

As with every task system, the atrophy can be easily observed in the items that have been present in this simple system marked as “overdue – 26 weeks ago”.

Some examples: – Set up a timelapse app on a spare phone because it would be cool – Perform some data science to make graphs of message frequency calculated from exports from various chat applications

Just did some chores.

Goal: find the link for the previous todo.

Tried: searching Google Keep for “event” and “rust” (two separate searches), was unable to locate matching item.

Tried: I have a folder in my documents named “articles” where I ctrl+s some webpages I find interesting.

My 11:40 PM recycling alarm just went off. I have two, because sometimes I'm occupied when the 11:00 PM one goes off and I've been burned before.

I can't ctrl+s a website when I'm on my phone tho. Instead, I can hit the share button and share the URL to OneDrive and manually navigate to the directory in the save dialog where it will save a txt file with the URL. Close enough. Bit of a pain though.

There's 120 items in this articles directory. I ain't readin' all those names.

• Right click
• Open in terminal
• ls | Set-Clipboard
• t3.chat
• paste
• “which of these likely talks about using rust to parse calendar event repeat strings”

🎯 Likeliest file: 👉 Marching Events_ What does iCalendar have to do with ray marching_ _ pwy.io.html (or its .txt / Hacker News mirror versions) That’s almost certainly the one that discusses parsing iCalendar repeat strings (possibly with Rust).

So here's the blog post

• https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43704364
• https://pwy.io/posts/marching-events/

Basically, this being-a-responsible-human[✝] shit is complicated and trying to codify it into a rules system is equally complicated, and liable to shatter at the encounterance of anything not conforming to the system.

[✝] languagejones – Linguists just made a breakthrough in defining a 'word. ' No, really https://adele.scholar.princeton.edu/publications/english-phrase-lemma-construction-when-phrase-masquerades-word-people-play-along

caption: a text box with a youtube url

vs

caption: a text box with a url with the title of a video instead of the url itself

Being organized is about levers.

caption: “Give me a firm place to stand and a lever and I can move the Earth.”

(image url)

I made a tool that lets me copy a markdown-formatted YouTube URL with the click of a button

caption: a YouTube webpage with buttons below the video player, followed by a note taking section:

• Timestamp
• Download
• Transcript
• Subtitles
• Copy to clipboard
• Copies video information to clipboard

I use tools other people have made, like ShareX, to make it easy to take screenshots, OCR, measure stuff, pick colors, etc.

Caption: Using ShareX to screenshot the process of screenshotting the process of selecting a region of the screen to OCR

The screenshots from ShareX go to a folder that is being backed up by OneDrive, which gives me straightforward access from my phone.

If you can't find what you're looking for, then taking notes might as well be going to write-only memory (WOM)

Try this alternative to Windows Explorer: https://filepilot.tech/

I remember hearing the WOM joke in uni. I wonder if I can retrieve these memories?

Apparently, yes, without having to ripgrep through exports.

See also: Mongo DB Is Web Scale

Browser history, WindowsKey+V, plaintext notes, Google Keep, calendars, clock app alarms, ShareX screenshots... notes only have worth in their ability to be retrieved when needed.

Otherwise, we could just live in hedonism without worrying about the future.

But I can see the future, and the future has me thinking of a meme from years ago and lamenting that I can't freaking find it.

caption: fortune telling meme – I see you alone with a lot of notes, jeepers that's a lot of memes

I'm in the privileged position that I am very good with compootr

On a research binge and have a bazillion tabs open? Create a browser extension to pop open a text area with all your tabs as markdown.

Too many browser windows open? Create a browser extension to move all the tabs into one window

Too many files? Create a CLI tool to read the master file table to search 15 million paths in 17 seconds

In the end, it's all about context management.

YC Root Access – Advanced Context Engineering for Agents

I use note taking as a way to allow myself to forget about everything.

If I know it's in a file somewhere, I know I have the tools to find it again.

If I know it's in an alarm somewhere, I know I will be reminded when the time is right.

If I know if it's in a calendar somewhere, I know I won't schedule another activity for the same timeslot.